Confessing to Yourself

Confessing to yourself is not easy. Confessing to yourself about your deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings should be left well enough alone. You don’t need to know what’s really going on inside that mind of yours. Just keep it all tucked away where no one can find it. Especially you.

One thing I have noticed about us humans is that we are mostly, if not completely, unaware of what is actually driving our behaviours. We have thoughts and feelings, tempers and emotions, outrage and judgements, opinions and conclusions. Combining randomly to create who and what we are each and every day.

I was most certainly living that for a very long time, having outbursts of strong, negative emotion multiple times a day.

That was just how things were with me. That was just how I was as a person. That was who I became.

It didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel right. It sure as fuck didn’t feel like that was the real me but I didn’t know who the real me was. She wasn’t in my awareness or in my existence. This mean, angry, depressed and anxious woman was. She was the only one I had ever known.

Back then I was under the assumption that I could never be different. I was incapable of change. I was comprised of this miserable concoction with no room left for improvement. Each ingredient boiling together resulting in a bitter and sour recipe.

Change was attempting to transpire. A part of me clawing at the chance to be anyone but me.

The thing is, though, I had good qualities too. I just wasn’t able to see them. My focus was constantly being dragged to all the shitty parts of myself and my life. I never really got a chance to give those parts the attention they deserved.

Until, one day I heard a different voice speak to me inside my mind telling me that I can change anything I don’t like about myself.

This new bit of information turned my attention to a scary and unfamiliar point of direction. It was as if a whole new way of life was lit up before me. It had always been there hiding away in the darkness which was why I was never able to see it before.

Along with all of this was a profusion of opportunities opening up before me. So, I set about examining every single bit of my life and why I was the way I was.

Whilst in the agony of examination I came to realise there was something very important I needed to do for myself that was going to be the hardest of all. Being honest with myself and confessing all of my sins and sorrows.

The one confession I really struggled with was admitting to myself how horrible I really was. My behaviour was fucking shit. It was disgusting. It was disgusting because I believed I was disgusting. It was horrible because I believed I was horrible. It was mean because I was brought up by mean people. Does that excuse my behaviour as an adult? No. I don’t believe it does but it does give insight into why I behaved the way I did.

What really sucks is that there are so many more people out there like I was. Living in their own pain and taking it out on the world instead of looking at their own shit and finding a way to do better. But we are all doing the best we know how in the moment. That statement feels like a cop out but its true. We can only do as well as we can in the moment from what we already know and from what we believe about ourselves and the world we live in.

That’s why I believe it is so important to take a long hard look at ourselves and our behaviour. Figure out where it is coming from. Why is it there in the first place? Who put it there? Who is controlling our behaviour now?

Confess to yourself what is really going on in the depths of your being so you can get it the fuck out of your existence.

If you have read my previous columns you’ll know by now that I believe there to be three parts to who we are. The human you, the ego you and the soul you. It is the human you who has earthly wants and desires. It is the ego you who wants to keep you safe and comfortable and the soul you who wants you to express yourself through fun, joy and creativity.

The soul you is always happy. Always enjoying the life you are living no matter what shitty things are going on. However, the ego you is never fucking happy. This is the part of you on constant high alert. Constantly telling you how unworthy you are and how you won’t ever deserve anything good.

Livvy (my soul) and myself always feel better when we are doing things we love. Writing. Running. Working out. Riding my bike. Hanging out with friends. Spending time with my husband and daughter. Reading. Having deep conversations about all of this stuff. We love all of that and more.

My ego Saskia, however, feels so much better when she is pissing me off, pulling me back into my hole, telling me how awful I am, making me be hard on myself, berating me and telling I’m not good enough.

It’s because of the confessionals to myself that I have come to realise this was all going on inside of me. The push and the pull. The tug-of-war. The never-ending war of words.

I have years of thoughts and feelings that need attending to. They require my attention. So, I give them my attention when they come up. I can no longer ignore why I behave the way that I do. My shitty behaviour can no longer be ignored. It can no longer be justified. I have to acknowledge it all so that I can finally let them all go.

But, how do you do that? How do you wade through the sewers of your mind when it isn’t exactly a pleasant task? There’s most likely a lot of different reasons as to why people don’t do this for themselves but this would be a big one. Who wants to dig up all of that shit? Its smelly and disgusting. Gross and messy.

This is all so fascinating to me. I love figuring this stuff out. Why I am the way I am and how I can change it. Not everyone is this way. Not even close. It is necessary though. You have to go into your own mind and body to see what is going on in there if you have any chance of changing all of the shitty things you don’t like about yourself.

So, start confessing to yourself.

Here’s where my shitty behaviour came from:

But all of that belonged to two very specific feelings. Fear and love. Too much fear and not enough love.

I had to confess to myself that I wanted love. I had to confess to myself that I was not happy living in fear. I had to confess to myself that love did actually reside inside of me, I just had to find it again.

All of these confessions have been my saviour. They have helped me to see myself in a different way. A more loving way. I have been able to step aside as I make these confessions so the judgement isn’t there. I have been able to notice each and every thought and each and every feeling. Viewing them as if I am watching a movie. Seeing all vantage points. Understanding where the emotion has risen from so I can give it the love and attention it deserves. Because that has never happened before. My feelings and emotions were always dismissed, over looked. Been told they were wrong. They had no where to go except into the cesspool of emotion where they rotted away, exploding out of me randomly like a stinky geyser when I wasn’t able to understand the emotions I was in in that moment of time.

A few months ago I was putting the cutlery away from the dishwasher and one of the forks stabbed me as I was putting it in the drawer. It only hurt a little bit but when something like that happens I feel as though I am being punished. I get angry. I get annoyed that this has happened to me. I ask myself why I am being hurt.

So, after it happened (within milliseconds) I felt the feeling and then the thought “but, I’m being good” popped into my head. I think that feeling is associated with being punished as a child even though I was being good. It happens to a lot of children. I see it all the time.

It was a such an interesting thought as I have never had that distinct awareness before. I have had that feeling plenty of times and I am aware that when I get hurt like that (which really isn’t that big of a deal) I do feel as though I deserve punishment somehow.

These types of awareness about what is going on in my life are happening all throughout the day because of my desire to figure out the mess of my mind and the chaos of my feelings. Allowing myself to confess what is really going on in there in order to fuck it all off instead of ignoring it and blaming others for my shitty behaviour.

Our shitty behaviour arises from somewhere in our past. When a moment of anger or frustration or outrage occurs it is more than likely coming from something that happened to you years ago than what is happening to you now. There is an old feeling that has not been dealt with. An old experience that has stayed with you because it was not processed in a healthy and loving way.

There is so much gunk buried inside of us and it fuels our feelings and thoughts. And, we blame everyone else for it. I blamed my parents. My friends who let me down. Men who would never love me. People who treated me as if I was invisible because of the size of my body. The world because they couldn’t see me for who I truly was. But, neither could I.

In life, there comes a point when the blame has to cease and we have to go within to find the peace we are looking for. Listen to our hearts to hear what we need to heal. Being honest about every single part of who we are and finding forgiveness and compassion for every bit of ourselves we hate and despise. Because love would never treat us that way. Love would never cause you to stick up the rude finger and yell at someone in traffic. Love would never cause you to yell at your child as if their feelings don’t matter. Love would never stop you from living the life you desire. Love will always guide, encourage, forgive and accept.

So, whatever behaviour you are living in now, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change it. You can feel better about the person you are. You deserve that for yourself.

And, while you are confessing all of your sins and sorrows, keep on shouting “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” to your shitty voice.

Here’s a little exercise for you to do:

Grab your notebook and start confessing. Write it all down. Every single last one of your shitty behaviours and the not so nice parts of yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you do it. Listen to it as if it is a TV on in the background. Hear it but don’t get involved in the program.

Now, confess to yourself how wonderful you really are. What are your good qualities? Your great behaviours? There will be some even if you don’t; think so. Ask your family and friends. Talk to them about it. Have an open and honest conversation without judgement for them or for yourself.

I will be taking a break for two weeks as it is school holidays. My daughter and I are going away so I am going to enjoy our holiday and give my mind a much needed rest.

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