Emotions. They are hard. An emotional blockage. Well, that is something entirely different. Let’s begin to explore.

See, things happen in their own time. If I could continue to rush through this world in a whirlwind of a mess I would but the universe has been speaking to me loud and clear this past year or so, yelling at me to slow down and focus.

Never really been good at that. Even bad would have been an improvement. I know what I want but I just can’t seem to reach it. Well, that’s what I believe anyway.

This is what I want. To tell you all about the deep, dark bullshit that lurks down in the depths of my being.

Not really something I ever thought I would be doing but the last few years have brought me here to you. And to me. A me I had forgotten all about. I am on a never-ending quest to find her.

Whether you agree with what I say or not the point of me putting this out into the world for others to see is because you need to see it. There will be a little something (or a big something) in these words for you.

We all have emotional blockages that affect how we live, how we view the world, how we view our life and most importantly how we feel about ourselves.

This prevents the true, honest, beautiful love we all have inside us from raising up within us, to lead us into a life that is so amazing we can hardly believe we get to have that for ourselves.

For years, decades really, I never ever thought I could have what I have now. I was a fat, horrible woman who didn’t deserve any goodness in her life. I longed for it but never really believed it was possible for me.

Even with all I have and all I have done and all I have achieved there is still this part of me that looks at my life, and myself, and only sees what is missing. Which, in all honesty, is not much.

There are many women out there who would love to have what I have. I’ve never really thought about it in that way before but it is true. There are many women out there who have what I long to have.

But where I am right now is a good start. No. It’s a fucking great start!

Do you believe you can have all you desire? Do you trust that those things you long for are on their way to you? That maybe, just maybe, you already have some of them but you haven’t noticed yet because your mind is only focused on what is missing?

Not only that, those blockages inside you are stopping you from getting them?

There are so many different blockages but I think they really all stand under the same umbrella. Your emotions and how you feel about yourself. Everything, and I mean everrrryyyythinnnng, comes back to how you feel about who you are and what you are deserving of (which is everything, by the way).

That’s what I want to explore on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. As much work as I have done on myself over the last couple of years there are still very deep emotional blockages that are holding me back. I am stuck in them. Not always consciously. I don’t always know that they are the ones putting the brakes on but now I am so much more aware of such a thing I am able to stop and notice what is really going on and do something to change it.

I won’t lie, it is not easy. Not at all. That’s why we tend to push those kinds of emotions deeper and deeper down until we can ignore them. But, that ignorance doesn’t last forever. There is always a niggling inside and it can come out in many ways.

For me it was, and still sometimes is, anger.

Anger is a hard emotion. It is harsh, it is cruel and it is very explosive. It quite often leaves a wake of destruction in its path. It’s not always constructive and the end result isn’t usually a positive one.

Personally, though, I believe in anger. We have it for a reason. It is ok to be angry. Sometimes things just piss us off and we have to get it out of us in the form of anger.

My way of getting out how I felt was with anger. It was by no means constructive AT ALL. That’s because I was not taught how to deal with my anger properly. I wasn’t taught how to deal with any of my emotions in a healthy way. Or my feelings about what was happening to me. There was no one to vent to, to soothe me and tell me all was going to be ok. I honestly felt like I had no one on my side.

Over the course of the weeks to follow, I will reveal more about that part of my life. And, I hope you will too. Our childhoods are so different and they have left so many different imprints on our heart and soul. If we share as much as we dare to then others can feel less alone. I know that’s what I want for myself.

I can see all around me the effects childhood has had on so many women. It isn’t an easy thing to share or to even articulate. It’s a feeling that has been seared into the very core of who we are. The scar will remain, however, we do have the ability to reduce the severity of it.

It’s not easy for me to admit how wounded I am. I have held onto my tough exterior like a knight’s armour in battle. I don’t give much away. Even now after 15 years of being with my husband that armour is still combating his love. The armour is starting to wear thin, though. There are parts beginning to unravel and it feels good. Friggen scary but also really good.

That’s why digging deeper into myself is essential for this next stage of my life. I will be 46 in only a few weeks and I know carrying this emotional armour around is weighing very heavy on my mind and my body. I have to go within myself and find all the muck I have done my best to ignore. I can’t ignore it anymore because I want nothing but the best for me now. I want to LIVE. I want to experience the wonders of who I am without it all getting in my way.

I am so ready to understand it more and realise it. In order to do that I must face it head-on. No more running away. It’s going to be scary, hard, challenging, messy and very, very painful. All of which I would rather live without but I know it is necessary.

I have to. For me. My family. And, for you.

Living your life’s purpose is what it’s all about. I know what I am here to do and sitting on the sidelines watching life pass me by is not acceptable anymore. I will not allow my own life to be wasted one more day.

So. This is the beginning of another beginning. There will be many. As many as I need.

I hope you, too, will follow me on this wonderful adventure to suck out all the crap and throw it away whilst simultaneously doing it for yourself and your life.

We are in this beautiful life together. We need each other to stand strong. We need to unite as women and love ourselves first then love each other. Because of the fucking amazing women that we are.

Are you with me?

Yes? Yes!

Awesome. I can’t wait to see where this takes us.

Remember…