Episode 13.Why am I so fat?

Shut the Fuck Up

Why am I so fat?

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why am i so fat?

Why am I so fat?

Why am I so fat?

Why am I so fucking fat?

I have asked myself this a million times over the last 30 plus years.

I have screamed this question into the darkness of my mind in the desperate hopes of finding an answer.

I have now found that answer.

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My mind won’t shut the fuck up. It’s always telling me how awful I am, how fat I am, how unworthy I am.
And, I’ve fucken had ENOUGH!
The best part is, I don’t actually have to listen to this mean voice inside my head anymore.
But, now comes the hard part. Cleaning up all of its mess and getting rid of every single fucked up word it has ever spoken to me.
This is my therapy. My way of healing. And, sharing all I have learnt over the last few years.
So, enjoy my fucked up thoughts!

Why am I so fat?

Why am I so fat?

Why am I so fucking fat?

I have asked myself this a million times over the last 30 plus years. I have screamed this question into the darkness of my mind in the desperate hopes of finding an answer.

I have now found that answer.

These last couple of years the search for answers about who I am and why I am here has amped up. The need to know why I even exist here on earth was always in the back of my mind. It was there with me on those days when I would stuff myself stupid with food just to feel an ounce of love. It was there with me when I contemplated moving on from this world. It was there with me when when I looked down at the wobbles and hugeness of my body, feeling anger surge through it as I wondered, yet again, why my body was so ugly and fat.

Skinny was all I ever wanted to be.

Skinny was what I was not.

I was fat.

But, why?

In the thirty five years of living this fat life, I desperately imagined what it would be like to lose weight. I daydreamed about the day the weight would finally fall off my body leaving only a beautiful, skinny girl in its place. Unfortunately, my thoughts were obsessively consumed with the same words and sentences and putdowns and mean remarks that made up the bulk of who I believed myself to be.

I was fat. Full stop. End of sentence.

No other words had the power to change the sentence. No other words had the power to delete those mean and nasty words and rewrite all that I knew to be true.

So, here’s what I know to be true about the girl who became fat.

She was unloved (or so she concluded).

She was unhappy (or so she deemed).

She was contemptible (or so perceived).

And, these three things combined to create a human being incapable of seeing beyond what they showed her. Cementing them in place, preventing the emerging woman from breaking free of their heavy and burdensome restraint.

My previous columns and podcast episodes, I have gone into more detail about all of this so I won’t repeat myself here. This here podcast is a telling of why I had to go through all of that as a fat person. And, why the weight I carried on my body was meant to be a part of my life experience.

In the latter months of 2022 I went to see a numerologist because there were answers about myself I was seeking (as I previously said). They weren’t just answers about my weight, in fact, my weight wasn’t even a consideration for once!

Meaning was missing from my life. Every day felt as though I was simply existing to exist. Just being here wasn’t enough any more. I was trying and trying to do and be and have all of these wonderful things in my life but something had been omitted from my reason to here.

This omission has stayed with me, silently, for as long as I can remember. On those very dark days as a teenage girl, sitting alone in my room contemplating ending my life, I felt it. The feeling was overwhelming at times. Any attempts to even begin understanding this feeling was absurd to me. I didn’t want to know myself because myself was not worth getting to know. So, I shut her out and ignored all of the feelings of awareness.

This went on for all of those thirty five years.

During those years there would have been umpteen flashes of meaning attempting to get to my awareness. I just kept putting up all the blocks. But, it didn’t feel good. It felt horrible. It felt exhausting.

I finally got to the point where I didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore. I didn’t have enough reasons to pretend it didn’t exist. That I didn’t exist.

So the search began.

The search began small. I just began to notice my behaviours. My thoughts. My feelings. And, I questioned them. Not in a mean and horrible way but in a kind way so I could get to know them better.

This expanded into something more than I ever imagined possible.


Not the religious God but the Spiritual God. A kind and loving God for whom I somehow knew existed but couldn’t see because religion disrupted the true image of who he was, and is.

I was brought up Church of England. My mother believed in God but apart from attending Sunday school when I was younger we never went to church.

My disdain for anything religious grew over the years until I eventually declared myself atheist. Yet, there was a sense of more to who we are. A sense that this was not all an accident. That we are not here alone. I was just never able to see beyond my distaste for the church and their teachings enough to open myself up to other possibilities.

Getting to this opening of a completely different attitude and approach to life, led me through the door to a whole world beyond my imagination.

With this new found freedom and relief came many serendipitous instances leading me to the exact place for which I needed to know something.

Such as my session with a numerologist.

As I said, I wasn’t there because of my weight. I was there because I wanted to know more about the woman I was and why on earth I was here in the first place. What did I come here for? What was my purpose? Was there a reason I was the way I was?

When I was nine my parents divorced. Our dad moved out and so it was my mum, my sisters and I. Throughout my life I have always had this sense of responsibility. I felt responsible for everyone and everything. Mum went to work and I cooked us dinner. I cleaned the house and took care of my own washing. It probably wasn’t so cut and dry but I do remember just feeling a huge sense of responsibility.

This energetic weight has metaphorically lived within my existence from one birthday to the next. I hated it. I wanted it gone. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and not give a fuck about anything. I wanted to day drink without listing all of the reasons why I couldn’t. I wanted to tell everyone I knew to fuck off and then run away as fast as I could to another place and another time. I wanted to not care that the fucking dishes in the sink weren’t cleaned before I went to bed.

I just didn’t want to care.

But, I did. A lot. Too much. The worry and the anxiety steered my sense of responsibility into an unforgiving direction. Without knowing why I felt this huge sense of responsibility, my sanity was burdened with the weight of such a mysterious part of who I am.

Along with this sense of responsibility there is how I do things. I do them the hard way. Others wonder why I do things the hard way but that is the best way for me. It works for me. All of my life has been the hard way.

Being fat was the hard way. Becoming fat again was the hard way. Learning about myself has been the hard way.

During the session Emma told me so much about myself that nobody else knows. Things that are so deeply internal I have never told another soul. She found them. It was a relief. I thought I was a bit crazy with what I was feeling.

We spoke about some books that I had read and then she recommended a book called “Your Soul’s Plan” by Robert Schwartz.

So, of course, I immediately got the book and dived right in.

Mind blowing. (If you’re willing to open yourself up to something completely out of this world!)

The premise of the book is in the title.

Every page is filled with the lives of people learning about the plan their souls made before they came to inhabit the body they are in. The author sought highly experienced and accomplished mediums and channels to look beyond the veil with the intention to witness souls planning their time here on earth.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just gullible to believe in such crazy notions but the point of existence for each and every one of us has to involve more than getting out of bed every day to the same old boring routine. To the same old bullshit repeating itself from the day before. To the same old thoughts and notions that keep us tied to our fear of living our lives to the fullest.

Our lives have to mean something. Our lives have to be of some importance. (But, to whom?)

In the session set up by Robert, the person chosen to have the reading told the receiver nothing about their life. What was heard throughout the session was astonishing.

As I am writing this I have gone back into the book to find parts of it that explain this to you further. There are too many. I have quote after quote that I want to share, and I will share a couple, but, ultimately, the people who are finding out about their souls plan for their life recognise which parts have come to fruition and which parts they are still learning to deal with.

It seems as though our lives are planned meticulously but also allow for free will. We have a choice of which way to go. And, its when we choose to go down a different path do our souls open up the lines of communication even more. We can hear the inner voice getting louder and louder. And, when we don’t listen that’s when something major comes into play to help get you back on track.

Thinking about all of this is huge. From what I have learnt so far with all of the books I have read it involves so much but yet it is supposed to be very simple.

Here are a couple of excerpts from the book to give you a better understanding.

“The soul knows that all is one but casts itself from that [knowledge] so that it may feel separation and learn to come Home. Also, the lessons that the personality brings back to the soul are incorporated to understanding the greater human experience. While souls know that they are love and that they are loved, to learn the fullness of it we experience the lack of love, so that we may understand self-love from all facets and all directions.”

“There are no heavy energies in this realm [the nonphysical] to impede progress, to inhibit the ability to see forward. The between-times [periods between incarnations] are spent assessing and planning for what the soul considers to be the next step, the next level or plateau.

“You who are in that realm believe that that is you, that you are fear, that you are hatred and nonacceptance. And so you are able to murder one another. You are able to abuse and exploit one another. You act on baser frequencies. As the soul enters the body, the clarity for the most part disappears, and as a human, you begin to believe that you are the body. You cease to remember that you are the soul. This is part of the plan, because to forget your divinity and through many trials remember the truth brings about great power, solidifies beliefs, and uplifts that frequency to higher levels.”

I have remembered.

With this information I have been able to take a step back from my own self-destruction to examine what this life means for me.

I want to be more than the fat girl. I want to have more purpose in this world than punishing myself with food for the rest of my life.

Looking back on the direction my life has taken I can see where I veered off the path and where I have been gently directed back onto it.

Not everything that has happened to me has been a part of the bigger picture. Some things happened that just fucking sucked. Some things happened that were just great. And everything in between.
But, this fat thing? Well, there is no doubt in my mind that this was meant to be. Why? Why did I choose to be fat? Honestly, I believe it was my chosen way of life because I am here to teach. I have has this faint impression of needing to teach. But, what?

Love. More specifically unconditional love. Finding our way back to it through all of the bullshit and heartache we have had handed to us and that which we create from lack of understanding and knowledge.

Going back through the events of my life and noticing where they have led me, gives me reason to believe that there is a plan. There has to be. Is it really all that random that I have spent my life being a certain way and now I am using that to be the person I always felt myself to be? A writer and a teacher. Not necessarily in the most conventional way but in my way.

We all have these parts to ourselves, these feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, desires, ideas, inklings, essences and nature that make up who we are as a human being. They are so individual and unique that there never has been or ever will be another like you.

Our past seems to intertwine with the direction of our life. I’m not talking about how it influences us personally (though that is important, of course), what I mean is we end up (hopefully) bringing that experience from the past into our present and use it to enrich our life and the lives of others in so many different ways.

My fatness, if I allow it, can give me the strength to use it as a teaching tool. To enlighten the world of its beauty. Whatever it may look like. To rid ourselves of the ego when it comes to loving our bodies. That our bodies have more purpose than simply to look how we are told they must look. That they are so much more capable than we give them credit for. That if you are fat then your body does not need to be your downfall. It can uplift you as it shows you the power of its presence.

We are not our bodies. Our bodies are the vessel through which we experience this life here on earth. (Does that sound a little insane?)

I am well aware that all of what I write may seem too far out there. Some of you will get it some of you will dismiss it as crazy. That is your choice. But, what are you feeling underneath all of that? Is there something speaking this truth to you already?

Ove the last two years I have put on quite a bit of weight. I hate it. I want it gone. Yes, this time the weight is more than just my fat. It is a lesson that I am here to teach.

This lesson will expand over time and I will share it as the days and weeks go by. Some of it will be just for me but most of it will be for you.

I am a nobody. A woman who had to become fat, (again!). It is of my doing. There have been gentle nudges all along. I can see that now. This was meant to be my life.
Now comes more of the hard way. Getting my ego out of the way so I can embrace this new found insight into the girl I once was and the woman I envision myself to be.

And, of course, whenever my ego wants to remind me of my failings and my defects and my fucks ups, I just simply yell…. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Because, the work I love doing, the words I love writing, the books I love creating and the life I love living have all been given to me as a gift. And, when I remember that, the hard way is full of purpose. I give myself the freedom to keep going and to keep learning more and more about who I am and why I am here.

There are many questions that will take years to answer. I am in it for the long haul. I will accept each and every answer with renewed curiosity.

I am fat. One day I may not be. I need to heal the girl I was once so the woman I know myself to be can emerge. She is not fat. She loves her body with unconditional love that is heaven sent. She uses her body to fulfil the plan her soul prepared for her life here on earth.

It has all come together beautifully.

The timing is perfect.

I am using this body to carry out my souls wishes. Even if I don’t always understand it and I might seem a little nuts.

It is time to let go of the misconceptions and pretence I have been living under. Life isn’t perfect. It never will be. Let go of that notion and know what your own life is for.

I now know.

Your exercise this week is to ask yourself the same kind of question “why am I here? What does the life I have lived so far have to teach me?” Listen for the answer. Be accepting of what comes up. Write it down. Look it over and feel your way into the bigger picture. The plan of what your life is.

I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up thoughts.

Thank you for listening.

Remember, keep on shouting… “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Until next time.

a collection of poems and short stories


You can read even more fucked up thoughts in this collection of poems and short stories

For the Love of Me

This book came to be from every part of my life experience. Every heartache. Every hateful thought. Every self-loathing feeling about myself and my body. And, every bit of love that was denied to me and that I denied to myself. Be open to what may come to you whilst you are absorbed in the heartache, the loneliness, the sadness, the misery, the hope, the reflection, the spirit and the love in this collection of poems and short stories.

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