Episode 15. Nobody Understands Me

Shut the Fuck Up

Nobody Understands Me

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nobody understands me

Nobody understands me. Nobody knows who the real me even is. How can they, though, when I’m not always so sure?

It’s hard, isn’t it? Being understood.

The question is, can we ever know the entirety of one human being?

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My mind won’t shut the fuck up. It’s always telling me how awful I am, how fat I am, how unworthy I am.
And, I’ve fucken had ENOUGH!
The best part is, I don’t actually have to listen to this mean voice inside my head anymore.
But, now comes the hard part. Cleaning up all of its mess and getting rid of every single fucked up word it has ever spoken to me.
This is my therapy. My way of healing. And, sharing all I have learnt over the last few years.
So, enjoy my fucked up thoughts!

Nobody understands me. Nobody knows who the real me even is. How can they, though, when I’m not always so sure?

It’s hard, isn’t it? Being understood.

The question is, can we ever know the entirety of one human being?

My answer to that question is no.

So, why will nobody understand me, or you, completely? Because there are so many different parts to who we are that encompass each and every thought, feeling, belief, attitude, characteristic, behaviour and what drives each and every one of them on a daily basis. And, the expression of all of that can be a challenge in itself. Especially, when those around you are unwilling or unable to see beyond their own way of thinking.

I have felt different for as long as I can remember. That I didn’t fit in with this world. I saw life as meaningless and submissive, with everyone just following along and abiding by ridiculous rules. I tried to follow, too, but I was not very good at it.

These last few years of self discovery have certainly led to some major discoveries. But, unfortunately, these discoveries are creating an even greater challenge.

Nobody understands me.

Interacting with one another is fucking hard. One person will say something to another that they believe is completely innocent but that other person will take offence. Who is in the wrong? Is there a right and a wrong, or is there simply two people communicating from two very different perspectives? Now, I’m not talking about the major issues of our world where one person thinks its ok to speak oppressively and brutally towards another because of their race, religion, political views, country or any of the -isms that violate a persons right to be themselves. This is more the minor stuff that we come across in the relationships we have with those closest to us and those we encounter throughout our lives.

I notice words being misconstrued all the time. I do it myself. When I am in one of my observational moods I wonder where all of the words a person is speaking have come from. Because all of those words are propelled out of them from thirty years ago, twenty years ago, five years ago, ten minutes ago. Each word has a hidden meaning that even the speaker does not recognise.

It is with these words that the person hearing them then makes their own assumption about their delivery. And, that assumption also designates experiences from many years ago to the conversation; turning it slightly on its axis, creating a fragmented or entirely new exchange from the original intention.

So, what forces are behind these weary and unintentional interactions? Because, ultimately, this is where the misunderstanding of someone comes from. The interactions we collide with and coincide with every day of our lives.

I suck at relationships. Like, really bad. Some days I can be great but most days I have no idea what I am doing which makes the connection with family and friends seem as if it has broken beyond repair. But, I try. And, I keep trying. This realisation has only occurred to me in the last couple of weeks. I knew I wasn’t great but my understanding of it stems (or so I thought) from my failed friendships from high school.

Back in my high school days I had a few friends but I was the fat one so I got teased a lot from most of my year. Thankfully, though, there were plenty of people who didn’t give a shit about my weight. Certainly not as much as I did. Which is sad that I can only see this now as a woman instead of when I was living it as a teenager.

There was one who I considered to be my best friend. We were nearly always together. Then the ugly duckling became the swan whilst I still looked like Shrek. This was great for her but not so much for me. I internalised it and made it more personal than it needed to be. I hated who she became as she was now what I longed to be. Skinny and pretty. Not that she was ever as overweight as I was or even ugly. But she did have that Hollywood teen movie makeover where she had some dental work done, changed out her big, ugly glasses, wore new clothes and lost just enough weight for it to matter.

All of that hit me hard because I was too hopeless to do anything about my own miserable situation. I was stuck being fat which distended the hate for myself even further.

Its funny how you can look back and see all that you could have done better but at the time it meant something. In the whirlwind of emotion and thought all that you once were was too blind to see straight.

I thought she preferred others to me. I believed she no longer wanted to be around me so I distanced myself. I was so caught up in my own horrid feelings that I was unable to recognise any one else in the equation. It was all about me and my feelings of hate and self-loathing. Of no one wanting to love such a hideous beast.

Her (supposed) treatment of me scarred me for life. I took what I believed to be the truth of that relationship and used it to defend each and every fucked up friendship I’ve had since.

So, now we are going to mix that bag of bullshit into the bag of bullshit I was also carrying around from the two people I call my parents. Their lack of love for who I was as a person filled that bag up to the brim. It overflowed as I continued to fill it up from every other failed relationship I have had over the years. 

What does this have to do with my cries of “NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME”, you might be asking?

Because, ultimately, I held strong to the belief that nobody understood me. Nobody loved me. Nobody liked me. And, that all of the stuff inside me was just way too much for anybody to care about. There was so much of it I had to ignore most of it. How was anyone else going to understand all of these parts to me if I wasn’t willing to, either?

Which is why I still, to this day, find it ridiculously exhausting interacting with other people. I would rather be alone with my stupid and foolish thoughts to suffer in silence.

Alas, though, I cannot. I must put on my big girl pants and face what the world has to offer.

Which is also what I want to do. I am both sides of the same coin. I am all of the peas in a pod. I am the icing on the cake. I am ALL of it. A tumultuous combination causing confusion in my communications.

The awareness I have opened myself up to has given way to a persistence of doing better. Of coming from somewhere other than the hurt and angry teenager of the past years. But, yet, she is still there some days. Expressing her hurt with a rush of harsh words. Taking over the gentle and kind words I was hoping to distinctly and appropriately articulate. This, then knocks the conversation from its aligned axis, spinning the conversation into a turbulent twister. And, it happens both ways.

Currently I am reading a fascinating book by Michael Newton which I mentioned in the last podcast. His work involves putting clients into a trance so he can learn what our souls get up to between earthy incarnations. It is an eye-opener. Whether you believe in this stuff or not it is worth the read.

I mention it again because what he reveals does go a long way into explaining more about our misunderstood selves. Couple this with another fascinating read by Ainslie Macleod “The old Soul’s guidebook. Who you are and why you are here” brings an even deeper understanding for you to recognise about yourself. Even if others can’t.

Do you believe you have been here before? In another time and in another body? Most of us have a strong opinion on reincarnation. It is either in support of that idea or categorically against it.

In the earlier years of my life I had no opinion. I think I kind of considered it because when I heard about it I felt more inclined to believe it was true than not. I just never really gave it much thought unless it came into my awareness.
Honestly, there is a part of me that considers this stuff to be bogus. Who are these weirdo’s talking about such nonsense? If I push those limiting thoughts aside and sit with the information, I can feel there is more to us than what this life has given us.

My digging into my self has revealed a lot but it has also left some questions that I am desperate to find answers to. Hence my incessant book reading.

What good is all this knowledge, though, if the people I interact with have no idea about what I have found? How on earth do you tell someone that the reaction I have to a certain occurrence is because I was burned at the stake for being a witch? Or that I was left to die tied up to a mast? That my voice is weak and hopeless because these two past lives left my soul feeling discouraged about speaking up for what I believe in. That the strong feelings I have inside relate to the brutal force I endured to silence my voice.

I have never understood my silence. I could never pinpoint where it came from. Somewhere along the way I began to question if it came from this lifetime. Now I know. It did not.

This silence I have and the deep fear I have about speaking up and out interferes with my ability to communicate effectively. Others view my silence for many other reasons. They do not know silence is not because I am shy or that I am indifferent to what’s going on or that I am possibly a snob. My silence in group settings is misunderstood. I like to observe what is happening around me, I like to decipher the inner workings of the people close to me, I like to sit and wallow in my misery, I like to be angry at everyone for not knowing who I am more intimately, I hold on to the fear of using my voice for the belief that they all do not care enough about what I have to say and I transmit out into the universe that my voice is no longer worthy of the fight. The fight to have people seen as more than easy targets for any kind of abuse. The fight to be seen and heard as someone worth listening to. The fight to be who I truly am and the fight for everyone else to be able to display who they truly are.

This fight is dominant inside of me but I have used it in negative ways. I have used it to fight for meaningless causes. The deeper you go the more is revealed to you. And the more is revealed to you, the more understanding you have of who you are in this lifetime and why. Finally, I can explain these two big misunderstandings of my being. My desire to right the wrongs and use my voice with emanant power. My misunderstanding of these qualities took me down a path of self destruction. But, thankfully, I can see clearer now. With thanks to those who have opened me up to what else could be.

You know, sitting here doing my best to precisely and distinctly explain what is going on inside of me is a struggle. How do you explain every little feeling and thought that makes up the sum total of who I am?

Which is my point of this podcast, exactly! You can’t.

You may read this and think I am a total nut or you may read this and feel the differences inside of you that are hard for others to understand.

I want to share all of myself with everyone I know (especially my husband) but I can’t. I really do feel it is impossible. When someone isn’t quite as open as you are to recognising all of who we contain, then it’s best to keep most of yourself a secret. Which sucks! That means there are people close to us that will never really know who we are. And, that causes problems with the ones you love because your actions, words and behaviours will constantly be misconstrued. And, you will do the same.

We talk about opening up the lines of communication but those lines are full of static. The lines can drop out. They are interfered with because our past comes into play too much. Not just the past from this life but, apparently, the past from our past lives. According to Michael Newton and his research our souls are energetically cleansed when they move back into the spiritual world from the physical world. However, some residue of emotional body imprints carry with the soul into their next reincarnation, especially relating to karmic lessons each soul wants to address in their new life. Which explains my debilitating fear of speaking out and the fight I have within me.

My husband and I have had many fights over the years, this doesn’t mean we love each other any less. I now believe this comes from so much of who we are and those parts of us we are yet to understand. Our communication is terrible when it comes to really getting our point across. Particularly for me. I have conviction. I have opinion. I have certainty. But none of that matters when it cannot be voiced with confidence and assurance. I am not assured of a loving response. Does that come from him as a person or does that come from the deep-seated belief that my words are of no importance? That who I am is of little significance? That my fight will be taken away from me with words of retaliation?

When we do fight and I cannot voice myself in the way I want to, he gets caught up in moments from the past that convince him of who he thinks I am being in that instance. Which aggravates the situation even further.

Understanding who I am is important to me, but is it important to anyone else?

Is understanding those close to me important? Yes. But not as important as understudying myself. I am, more often than I would like to be, caught up in the learning of each of my aspects that I forget to be more understanding of the person in front of me.

We humans are a complicated bunch. We are selfish, angry, sad, unhappy, shallow, superficial, thoughtless, ungrateful and uncaring. But does that mean that is all there is to us? Gosh, no. We are also the other end of the spectrum. Happy, joyful, caring, grateful, thoughtful, selfless, charitable, deep, profound, intelligent and so much more. We crisscross over every part of the spectrum.
We are simply misunderstood as individual beings.

But, I think as long as we take the time every day to understand all of our thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviours, beliefs and every inch of our existence; then that understanding will filter out into the world of understanding. We will be more aware of the fact that there are numerous why’s to the reactions of others. That their communication does not come from where we believe it to come from. That we can be still for a moment and recognise that the person in front of us has their own unique and painful history which propels them into your personal space creating an interaction of many variations.

So, the next time someone steps into your personal space and opens their mouth, do not judge those words. Do not fill them with events from your own past. What is it in this moment? What can I understand about this person in front of me? What can I understand about myself?

Essentially, no one will ever completely understand you. As long as you take the time to understand yourself then that understanding will raise your understanding of others without having total knowledge of their inner selves.

Trust is definitely the most important part of this equation. Trust in who you are and trust that the person who loves you is doing their best, too. Trust yourself in your interactions and communications. Take your understandings and use them when, and if, it feels right. Whatever your fucked up or amazing relationships, trust the other person to be there for you. And, trust everything you know and all that is yet to be known is there to love and guide you.

We are a mystery. But lets not keep it that way entirely. At least, not to yourself.

And of course, when that voice of yours wants to insist on making a big deal out of your interactions and communications, just yell out into the ether… SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Your exercise this week is to take the time to know yourself better. Take as much as you already know about yourself and dissect where the understanding of these things has come from? Is it true? Who gave them to me? Where have they come from? Have they come with me into this lifetime? Question. Understand. Give yourself the gift of knowing yourself better. But, the biggest present of all is your own personal growth. Expanding your awareness and using your understanding to create a lifetime that is worthy of attention.

I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up thoughts.

Thank you for listening.

Remember, keep on shouting… “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Until next time.

a collection of poems and short stories

VIEW BOOK

You can read even more fucked up thoughts in this collection of poems and short stories

For the Love of Me

This book came to be from every part of my life experience. Every heartache. Every hateful thought. Every self-loathing feeling about myself and my body. And, every bit of love that was denied to me and that I denied to myself. Be open to what may come to you whilst you are absorbed in the heartache, the loneliness, the sadness, the misery, the hope, the reflection, the spirit and the love in this collection of poems and short stories.

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