Episode 1. Who am I?

Shut the Fuck Up

Who Am I?

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who am I?

I am a thinker. A deep one at that. My mind is constantly seeing the world through the eyes of an observer.

People have always fascinated me but it wasn’t until a few years ago when I began this desperate need to feel better, to be better and to do better that the questions and observations took over so much of my thinking. In a good way.

Judgement still resides amongst my thoughts because my shitty voice cannot help but speak her opinion, but the questions are my way of understanding more about us as humans. Especially myself.

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My mind won’t shut the fuck up. It’s always telling me how awful I am, how fat I am, how unworthy I am.
And, I’ve fucken had ENOUGH!
The best part is, I don’t actually have to listen to this mean voice inside my head anymore.
But, now comes the hard part. Cleaning up all of its mess and getting rid of every single fucked up word it has ever spoken to me.
This is my therapy. My way of healing. And, sharing all I have learnt over the last few years.
So, enjoy my fucked up thoughts!

I am a thinker. A deep one at that. My mind is constantly seeing the world through the eyes of an observer. I love to watch people and try to figure out what is going on inside of them. I observe those around me with a curiosity that can drive me a little bit mad sometimes because of the incessant need to know “why”.

Why are you doing that? Why are you saying that? Why are you behaving in that way? What has caused you to do all of that?

People have always fascinated me but it wasn’t until a few years ago when I began this desperate need to feel better, to be better and to do better that the questions and observations took over so much of my thinking. In a good way.

Judgement still resides amongst my thoughts because my shitty voice cannot help but speak her opinion, but the questions are my way of understanding more about us as humans. Especially myself. I want to know more. I want to know all of it. I want to be inside the minds of everyone to hear what is going on in there. See if I am at least slightly right in my observation.

This is such a huge part of my life now I even have a dedicated document to those thoughts I deem too important to lose. They may not be of any importance to anyone else, but they are to me. They are helping me figure out my shit. Helping me to listen to myself more closely and not just take Saskia’s word for it (the name I gave my shitty voice).

I want to know who I am. I want to know how I became the woman I am today. Especially the woman of only a few short years ago. She was miserable. And, her suffering caused her to behave like an asshole. She was not nice. Weird as it sounds, being nice made her uncomfortable. Being nice was thrown back in her face. She was treated as though it was all her fault. All her responsibility for the way her relationships were. As if she was the only one in them. Did no one else have a responsibility towards her to treat her with love and kindness?

Basically, it was a big fucking mess. Her mind, her life, her body. Her thoughts and her feelings. They needed sorting out. The only way to do that was to dive into all of the shit and see what was hidden in there. Which is why there is pages and pages of thoughts and feelings written down in this document.

If you have read any of the previous columns you will know I have had a problem with my weight, with food, with my body and my happiness for way too many years of my life. It has been a fucking struggle to get to where I want to be. To find the woman I know lives inside me. The woman who is not afraid to be kind and loving. Who does it without condition. Who gives her self freely to her life and those around her. Who knows what she wants and just goes and gets it. Who’s confidence simply is. There’s no question about her identity. She lives her life with ease. She lives life! She does not hide away from herself, from others or from the world. She just does.

On one of my observation expedition’s where I was, for the billionth time in my life, pondering why I was the way I was and how can I not be that anymore, I realised I am the exact opposite of the person I know my true self to be. I can feel her. I want to see her, however, when I go to imagine her I cannot. I can’t form an image in my mind.

Visualisation is a powerful tool for becoming what you want and getting what you want but I just cannot seem to do it. It’s like she doesn’t completely exist without a physical impression. Maybe her physical impression isn’t as important as her metaphysical one? It’s what is inside that counts?

As humans we tend to see the physical first. Hard not to when a body is standing before you in all of its flesh.

On the other side of the veil there is no physical form. There seems to be only feelings. Many feelings connected to the biggest one of all. Unconditional love.

That is something we struggle with here on earth. Too many other feelings and thoughts getting in the way. Preventing that love from existing in its fullest absoluteness.

Which is where I sit. In the struggle to be the opposite of who I have become.

I may not be able to imagine that woman but I can feel her. I feel her essence more and more as the months go by. She is with me. She is of me. She is me.

But, yet!!!

That big, old, fucking BUT!

Saskia is holding her back. Blocking her way to the front. Every time I feel her getting closer, Saskia pushes her further away. She does not want to give up control of this body and of this mind. I am not allowed any input. I am not allowed any say in what goes on.

This probably all sounds very crazy. Get the straight jacket and send me off to the loony bin. All of this talk of different people inside of me. Its nuts! If you step back, though, and observe the goings on inside your mind then you, too, will notice there is more than one of you in there.

I’m just being honest about it. Many years ago you would be sent straight to the psych ward but now (thankfully) we are becoming more aware of all that is inside our mind and even where that mind is located.

There is a link in the description box for a great explanation if you’d like to know a little more about the mind and where it is located. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/difference-between-mind-and-brain-neuroscientist).

I believed for a very long time I was all these horrible thoughts my shitty mind was yelling at me.

Look at it like this… there are three of you in your immediate family. You are all sitting at the dinner table having a meal together, talking about the day you have had, the day you will be having tomorrow, the life you have lived up until now, all your dreams and desires, all of your hurts and your traumas. The discussion is open and endless. The meal has ended but the conversation is still going on hours later, years later, decades later. And it is the same fucking conversation! Going on and on and on and on…

The three of you (you, your loving voice and your shitty voice) are all wanting to be heard but only one of you is louder than the other? Can you guess who that is? Yep! Your shitty voice. Your shitty voice is that loud and obnoxious family member who loves to control the conversation. Who thinks their voice is the only one that should be heard. They have opinion after opinion. They have story after story. They have advice after advice. They just cannot shut the fuck up! No matter how many times you have asked them to please be quiet.

So, you sit and listen. Getting more and more upset but they just won’t shut up. You are at your wits end, not knowing how to walk away. To get up and leave that whiney, complaining, nitpicking, mean voice behind. Even when you do find the strength to walk away you can still hear them from the next room.

Also, at the table is your loving voice. She is quiet. She sits there with a smile on her face, comfortable and at peace. She can hear the shitty voice drone on and on but she doesn’t let her words bother her. She just listens, and when she does have something to say she says it. She doesn’t wait for the shitty voice to quiet down (because that never happens!), she speaks her words with love and honesty hoping that YOU can hear her.

Finally, there is you at the table. The beautiful and wonderful human you. As all of that incessant chatter from your shitty voice is going on you sit there looking back on your life and looking forward on what may be, hoping and wanting to have the best life possible. You’re in the moment asking yourself what you want. What you need. An idea forms and you like it. You sense it is the right thing for you at this time. But before you know it, your shitty voice in expressing their opinion (AGAIN!), and this expression of opinion Does. Not. Stop!!!! Underneath all of her mean and horrible words you can hear your loving voice guiding you and supporting you. It feels good. It feels right.

Which way do you go?

Do you go towards what feels right or do you listen to all the reasons why not? Who’s voice do you trust the most?

For most of us we trend to trust the shitty voice. They give such good reasons as to why not. Those reasons are full of fear and full of unease. It doesn’t feel good but neither does the unknown. It is the unknown that gets us every time. The shitty voice is heard loud and clear. She is victorious and she relishes in the victory. Of keeping you safe once again. Crisis averted. She is so happy you are going to stay stuck in this version of yourself because she couldn’t live with any other person than the one you are now.

What a fucked up family dinner that is!

This voice inside you has been so loud for so long it is hard to know there is someone else talking to you.

But, what else makes you YOU? Its a lifetime of experiences, thoughts, feelings, family, friends, pain, reflections, memories (whether accurate or not), circumstances, beliefs, encounters, realities, issues, problems, moments, expectations, wants, desires, needs, failures, successes, characteristics, adventures, misadventures, suffering, happiness, joy, love, laughter and tears. Every single thing that you have confronted and been a part of on the outside and on the inside has an affect on you. It shapes you. It becomes you. It is you.

In the midst of all of that, there is so much more. A part of us we are unaware of. Or at least, not willing to be aware of. It is the true you. Even that part, though, has so many layers. It seems so complicated and extremely simple all at the same time. It can take decades to work out. It is all part of the process. Figuring out who you are at the centre of all the bullshit. Knowing what you want and what you don’t want. What you like and don’t like.

The conclusion I have come to about my Self is that I am the exact opposite of the woman I know I can be.

Here’s what I know I am NOT…

I am not a woman who uses food to comfort herself or punish herself.

I am not a woman who treats herself with disgust and disdain.

I am not a woman who blocks love from filling her whole body so she can enjoy every day of her life.

I am not a woman who hates her body so much so that she has become completely disconnected from it.

I am not a woman who lives in her anger because it is easier than feeling good about who she is.

I am not a woman who allows her mind to dictate her life anymore which stops her from living up to all of her amazing potential.
This is who I feel me to be…

I AM a woman who loves who she is. Every single part of her. Inside and out. Including the shitty parts.

I AM a woman who loves to treat her body with the care and respect it deserves.

I AM a woman who nourishes her mind and her body with foods that are nutritious and delicious.

I AM a woman who eats with love and pride for who I am.

I AM a woman who allows myself to feel good about all that I want and knows how to go about getting them.

I AM a woman who listens to her loving voice for support and guidance.

I AM a woman who honours my need for healing.

I AM a woman who wakes up every morning excited to know more about who I am and gives myself permission to have fun with it.

Every single observation drives my curiosity even further. We are an interesting species, that’s for sure. I don’t think I will ever stop observing.

I think the ultimate observation for myself and how I ended up being the woman I never wanted to be was that I was meant to be her. I was supposed to become her so that I could find my way back to all that I am (I will explore this further in the next column). Love was removed from my life. By so many different people. Especially myself. My observations are bringing that love back to me. Bringing ME back to me. Which is why I will never stop figuring out who I am. It will never end. There will always be more to uncover and I can’t wait!

In the meantime, I WILL keep on shouting “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” to my shitty voice.

Will you do the same?

Here’s a little exercise for you to do:

Observe. Listen.

Who’s loudest? Who do you listen to the most? Does that voice lead you in the right direction? Does fear stop you from being who you truly are? Go within and ask what you can do to let the real you come forth.

I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up thoughts.

Here are a few of my observational expeditions into my own mind…

* I need to move my limits up so that I don’t keep bumping against the same old shitty limits I’ve had on myself for years. Once I reach that set of limits then I can move them again. Keep moving them to feel better and be better. To reach those achievements without banging my head on my restricting limits.

* There are so many things but ultimately none of them matter. What truly matters is feeling the absolute bliss within you in every moment. All the other stuff simply blocks the flow of bliss.

* I have this amazing body for a reason. That reason is so I can love it with all I have and more. The focus needs to be on what I can do with this body rather than what it looks like because it is capable of so much no matter what it looks like. If I had the “perfect” body then my work would be completely different. I choose to trust that this is right for me and I choose to love myself always and forever. My body is merely the vessel through which this message can be expressed.

* Emotions will always come back up if you haven’t dealt with them properly. They want the love and attention they deserve because they are a part of you but it is their one and only wish to be released from limbo forever.

* Be an observer of your own life. Take a step back and see what you’re really doing and go within to find out why you’re doing it. Be truthful with yourself. No one else needs to know. Being honest will liberate you from the habitual burdens of your past life and trauma.


I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up thoughts.

Thank you for listening.

In the meantime, keep on shouting “SHUT THE FUCK UP”.

Until next time.

a collection of poems and short stories

VIEW BOOK

You can read even more fucked up thoughts in this collection of poems and short stories

For the Love of Me

This book came to be from every part of my life experience. Every heartache. Every hateful thought. Every self-loathing feeling about myself and my body. And, every bit of love that was denied to me and that I denied to myself. Be open to what may come to you whilst you are absorbed in the heartache, the loneliness, the sadness, the misery, the hope, the reflection, the spirit and the love in this collection of poems and short stories.

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