Episode 1. Who I was meant to be

Shut the Fuck Up

Who I was meant to be

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who i was meant to be

This woman that I became was a real struggle.

A constant fight of who was who and what was what.

Somewhere beneath all the bullshit, I had a sense of something more, and, it was this sense that kept me reaching outside of myself to find something (ANYTHING) that would help me to rid myself of all that was dragging me down.

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My mind won’t shut the fuck up. It’s always telling me how awful I am, how fat I am, how unworthy I am.
And, I’ve fucken had ENOUGH!
The best part is, I don’t actually have to listen to this mean voice inside my head anymore.
But, now comes the hard part. Cleaning up all of its mess and getting rid of every single fucked up word it has ever spoken to me.
This is my therapy. My way of healing. And, sharing all I have learnt over the last few years.
So, enjoy my fucked up thoughts!

In the last podcast I spoke about not knowing who I was. Really was. Of not being sure of what I was meant to be in this life. (Read it here if you haven’t already).

Who I was meant to be doesn’t sound very nice. She doesn’t sound like she’s worth getting to know.

This woman that I became was a real struggle. A constant fight of who was who and what was what. Somewhere beneath of all the bullshit I had a sense of something more, and, it was this sense that kept me reaching outside of myself to find something (ANYTHING) that would help me to rid myself of all that was dragging me down.

I won’t go over what I have written so far in the previous columns (check them all out here) to save time and words for this column because who I was meant to be comes with its own set of hurdles and obstructions.

Back in the Summer of 2013 my husband and I were eagerly expecting our first child together. I was about a week or so overdue and nothing seemed to be happening. I was just waiting for our baby to pop out.

It seems so juvenile to admit but I had no idea anything was wrong. He (we didn’t know if it was a boy or girl until he was born) was sitting high and wouldn’t move. Not one thought entered my mind to wonder if this was normal.

My husband, whose first child with another woman was stillborn, became concerned; so I went to the doctor for a checkup. He couldn’t hear the heartbeat. My husband rushed home from work and we went straight to the hospital. Harry was born sleeping the next day.

The months following his birth were the most painful I have ever experienced. I couldn’t understand why he was taken away from us when I knew deep down we were going to have a child. A girl. It shook everything I knew apart. Ripped it up into shreds.

Exactly twelves months to the day when we found out harry had passed, we found out we were pregnant again. During that twelve months we were trying to conceive, health issues began to emerge causing us to begin the process of IVF. Whilst at a specialist appointment I was silently wondering if I was pregnant. My period was about a week late but I was too scared and too apprehensive to find out.

The next day I willed myself to take a pregnancy test to see either way. It was positive. An overwhelming relief.

After a very fearful nine months, our daughter was born. In the moments following her birth I heard myself make a promise to my little girl. I promised her I would not be the mother I had growing up. I promised her I would do better for her, and for myself. I just couldn’t bare to be that woman anymore. She was awful. She was scared. She was drowning in her own pain. Our daughter was my lifeline and our son was steering the boat. He saved me in a way I never knew until many years later. He was never meant to stay. He only came into my life and into my body for the biggest lesson of my existence. My daughter as well. They both brought me to a place I only ever begged to reach.

I wish I could say that my WHOLE life changed when we took our daughter home from the hospital. It did in so many ways but there was much work left to do on the inside. And, it has taken me forever! That’s normal, though, It won’t all clear over night.

In the years succeeding that time in my life, they have been hard, fucking work! I have laboured and exerted myself to the point of exhaustion to try to be better. I have listened to so much outside of myself that I couldn’t determine what was what anymore. There was a real battle within in figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Am I who they say I am or am I someone completely different? Who knows me best?

My self appointed quest for knowledge took me to some wonderful places. Places beyond our humanly comprehension. I read book after book on spirituality, growth, physiology, beliefs, energy and more. All of it combining for a truly mind blowing awareness.

A simplified conclusion that I have come to is this…

Humans are not entirely in control of their life here on earth. There are other variants at play. There are three parts to each of us (listen to The Mean thoughts inside my head if you haven’t already) but the one main part (also known as Ego) rules your life until you realise this is not the real you. Your ego doesn’t have to be the main part because the more loving part of you (soul) has a bigger plan. A plan that was devised before your soul entered your teeny tiny little foetus inside your mothers womb.

Yes. A plan. A a pre-birth plan. Detail after detail of your humanly life is planned and figured out in advance. That’s not to say free will isn’t or cannot be invoked, it most certainly can, its just to say that those parts of your life that seem to suck or are great or are really painful or are lived without ever being entirely in control of; those are planned.

Robert Schwartz has published a book called Your Soul’s Plan. He interviewed many people and had reputable mediums and channellers channel pre-birth plans via the likes of Jeshua (AKA Jesus) and various other spiritual beings.

This may all seem very far fetched but when you think about it it makes sense as well. Are our lives really that random? Do we live so powerless over our lives that none of it matters in the end?

Why did I become fat? Why did I live in a world of hate and self-loathing? Why did I reject so much love when it wanted nothing more than to enter into me? Why did I see the world through loveless eyes?

Why is every single one of our lifetimes here on earth so invariably different? Why does the trials and tribulations, the joy and the pain feel so personalised?

On reflection I have now an unobscured view of all that I was. And, even though I can’t say for sure whether I was meant to be as bad as I was, I do know for sure that she was meant to be.

Love was taken from me and it is my mission now to get it back.

When I hear about other peoples lives and the horror and torment they experienced; mentally, physically and emotionally (especially physically); I wonder why I feel the way I do about myself, my family, my life and all of the shitty things I have gone through. Because in comparison my life was a breeze. Yeah, I got fat. Real fat, and that was mental torture enough. I physically punished myself with food by overeating. I emotionally punished myself by staying in my anger and not allowing myself to feel anything good. I mentally punished myself with all of the appalling and horrific thoughts that floated around my head every second of the day.

Is it ok to compare one persons life with another, especially when our lives are planned to experience very specific things?

Our Soul is choosing what is would like to do whilst it is on earth. It is choosing lessons and family members and heartaches and heartbreaks. It is choosing specific moments in time where, if the lessons haven’t yet been learnt, they arise to shake up the humans whole world. It is choosing to have physical ailments, diseases and horrendous trauma. It is choosing to have a simple life. An easy life. A hard life. A poor life. A rich life. All if it is chosen before we are born.

But, yet, that can all change depending on circumstances and where you decided to put yourself. Whether you decide to listen to the guidance within, and who’s guidance are you listening to? Ego or Soul?

It seems so complicated to us because we cannot comprehend all that is on the other side but if you stop and listen. Stop and reflect and simply notice each year of your life and what it has given to you, what will it reveal to you?

I was always quite skeptical about anything “out there”. I could not believe in God because of the way the church portrayed him/her to be. None of what was taught to us seemed believable. I did conclude to myself (and others if we were in a discussion about religion) that Jesus was a real man. He did walk this earth, but the story of Jesus altered and transformed to suit those in power. They used his name for their own self-obsessed and greedy needs.

Faith and belief in something greater than ourselves does not always come easy. For some it does. It is so.

The more I have let go of all that I was, the more supported I feel. Whether that is just from myself or something greater, well, time will tell. It sure does feel as though there is more to the world than what we can see with the physical eye.

All I can say is be open to what might be. You just never know.

If it helps you to continually improve yourself, to feel better in mind and in body, then what harm is there? Opinions and beliefs are going to differ just as much as physical features and personality.

I love the woman I am becoming. I have finally freed myself of all the hatred and self-loathing. I have released my dependance on food to love and comfort me. I have opened myself up in ways I only ever dreamed about. And, while there is much more work to be done, I can now do it with kindness, love and peace. That’s, not to say everyday is perfect. There are still off days. There are still days when I am sad or angry. But I know I have my goodness to go back to. I have given myself permission to feel that goodness that was always inside of me. I no longer resort back to my oppressive feelings. I no longer fall down into my hole of depression, not knowing how to dig my way out of it.

I have done all that by listening. Listening to my loving voice (Livvy). Ignoring my shitty voice (Saskia). Being aware of what I am feeling and why. Asking myself where those feelings are coming from. Having a loving conversation inside of my mind instead of a one-sided argument.

This life of mine was meant to include my excessive weight gain, my love being taken from me, our son only coming to us for a very short amount of time, for my husband and I to meet at the perfect time in our lives where we could build a solid foundation, our daughter being born, the lessons I chose to learn, the reminders of what is beyond our comprehension, moving to London and having the most amazing time of my life. All of it was meant for me. Whether I knew it or not. Whether it was specifically planned or not. My Soul steered me as best she knew how and sometimes I listened without knowing I was listening. I simply just followed her invisible lead, believing it was me all along.

I was supposed to be all of that, do all of that and have all of that so I could find my way back to my goodness. My greatness. To be writing these words right now.

My guidance was never wrong. Whatever crappy path I took. It was all meant for me.

I hope this makes some sense to you. I have so much information in my head from every book I’ve read and every word I’ve heard and every bit of knowing that has been revealed to me that it’s a little challenging to bring all of that into only a few words for your understanding.

Follow your lead. Where will it take you?

Here’s a little exercise for you to do:

As I just said, follow your lead. Listen to what is going on inside you from a neutral point of view. What is it telling you about the person you are now? The woman you long to be? Ask yourself questions to figure it all out. Don’t dismiss what may be said to you even if it seems absolutely nuts. You know yourself better than anyone. You know yourself better than you think you do. Who is she? Who does she want to be?


I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up thoughts.

Thank you for listening.

In the meantime, keep on shouting “SHUT THE FUCK UP”.

Until next time.

a collection of poems and short stories

VIEW BOOK

You can read even more fucked up thoughts in this collection of poems and short stories

For the Love of Me

This book came to be from every part of my life experience. Every heartache. Every hateful thought. Every self-loathing feeling about myself and my body. And, every bit of love that was denied to me and that I denied to myself. Be open to what may come to you whilst you are absorbed in the heartache, the loneliness, the sadness, the misery, the hope, the reflection, the spirit and the love in this collection of poems and short stories.

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