Food
I am a recovering food addict. I spent all of my days thinking about food and punishing myself with food. I stuffed my face stupid until my belly was close to exploding. I loathed myself into this ridiculous punishment.
It was all consuming. It took over every part of my life and it became so ingrained into every part of my being that I did it without ever questioning it.
Because I didn’t know there was another way to be.
The hatred I had for myself and my body led me down a very destructive path. And food was my weapon of choice for mass destruction.
I used it to punish myself over and over again for not being skinny, for not being pretty, for not being happy, for not being loveable, for not being worthy, for not being enough.
Every part of who I was was not enough.
Listen. Learn. Love.
The sweetness so good as it passes my lips
The saltiness just right from another bag of chips
Food. It is everywhere, how can I resist
All the feelings you give me that merely exist
You’re my saviour, a friend, who judges me not
Always there to assist when I am losing the plot
No wonder its tough to give you away
You comfort me so, care not about what I weigh
Yet your companion is the reason I have grown so large
Not your fault this girl does not take any charge
I can’t help myself, you, see, so full of hate
For all that I am, I am in quite a state
So I use you to help me feel better. Like that
In a flash good is gone I’m back to being just fat
There are choices galore, the choice never controlled
As I stuff down my feelings, what a sight to behold
I put all I am into every last bite
Food is always beside me, never feeling quite right
Many days, many weeks, I’ve tried to fight the urge
It is too strong for me, here comes another splurge
In the following minutes after a disgusting binge
My mind and my body continue to unhinge
You’re disgusting, I yell to myself as I see
What surrounds me is yet another pile of debris
I weep dry tears of silence for I can’t seem to stop
What is causing this large and encumber-some block?
Who I am is not worthy of doing much better
This is all I can mange, a no hoper, a no getter
So I stay in the misery of what you’re doing to me
And put all of my blame onto you with no glee
I’ll continue to battle the demons inside
For now, food you will win as you help me to hide
You’re the sacrifice I must make til I am certain to know
How to bring out myself and let my feelings do show
My feelings are what keeps me attached to you so
Til I allow them their presence, I cannot let you go
You are only one piece of a very large puzzle
Not your duty to keep me away from such trouble
It is my job to care about the person I am
I hope one day I’ll approve it, start to give a good damn
But, you taste so delicious, there’s nothing to deny
You are simply just food, should be nothing to imply
One day I will love you and need you much less
Eat you only with joy, no more need for excess
Cause the love and the joy I have felt once before
Will return to this body, I can no longer ignore
Food was never the answer but you were always there
When I wasn’t quite present and didn’t give a care
The hold you once had is releasing from my grasp
Every plate filled with love, is that too much to ask?
No its not, you reply, its what I have always been
I can only be whatever it is you want to be seen
I am food that can give you an up or a down
It is you that will give you a smile or a frown
Do not judge me for simply being what you have asked
I cannot contain all that you bring from your past
Condemn me no more, condemn you much less
It is ok to eat me without all the stress
I hear you, I say, I take on your words
It is time you and I got the love we deserve
This book came to be from every part of my life experience. Every heartache. Every hateful thought. Every self-loathing feeling. And, every bit of love that I denied to myself. In reading the words on these pages, my hope is you, too, recognise some parts of yourself and realise there is so much more to who you are than what you believe. Be open to what may come to you whilst you are absorbed in the heartache, the loneliness, the sadness, the misery, the hope, the reflection, the spirit and the love in this collection of poems and short stories.
Buy the Book Here
Use the button below to read and watch more poems about the love/hate/hate relationship I have had with myself and my body over the last few decades of my life.
Take a Look Here