I Feel Dead Inside
Feelings. Emotions. They either feel good or they don’t. We want them or we don’t.
Most of the time they suck. Or they’re sucking the life out of us because they are too strong.
We use and abuse so many things in order to feel good. Or even just to feel something. For me it was food. Food was my high. It made me feel good for all of about five seconds before the shame and hatred for myself kicked in. But that high kept me going back. That fleeting feeling was enough for me to continue to use food as a way to feel better. But in the same instance it was my way of punishing myself for living. For breathing. For being the horrible, disgusting, unworthy person I was. I had no right to be here. I had no right to feel good so I overloaded my body with food until I could feel as disgusting as I could. Because that was all I deserved.
For some people it is alcohol or drugs. Shopping. Gambling. Living hard and fast. Whatever it may be it is there because it gives you something. Some sense of feeling good. Yet, the rest of the time there can be nothingness. No feelings at all. A barren and dry place desperately hoping for rain. But at the first drop you instantly protect yourself from a downpour of emotion because its too uncomfortable. Foreign. Unfamiliar. So, all the good feelings eventually stop trying to dampen the terrain.
This is how I lived for most of my life. I can’t quite remember when my feelings began to dry up, I only know they did. I think somewhere around the beginning of my teenage years. That’s when the weight really started to pile on. That’s when I really started to hate myself and my body. My feelings were overtaken with anxiety and depression. Food became my only relief.
Its funny how when someone is abusing food the way I did, nobody notices. If I was abusing drugs or alcohol in the same way someone would have stepped in. They would intervene and help me through it. At least, I hope they would have. But, nobody noticed. Nobody cared. I was just another fat girl who couldn’t control what she ate. I was hideous. I was someone to mock and poke fun at. What did it matter? I didn’t have any feelings anyway.
Maybe that’s how my feelings died? All that mockery and ignorance. Nobody cared, so why should I?
Looking back I can see how I misconstrued everything. I was so hurt and in so much emotional pain I couldn’t see straight. My pain killed my feelings. The good ones, anyway. My happiness, my joy, my fun and my laughter. They all died about the same time. They all upped and left because my pain took over my whole existence. I became angry and frustrated. Sad and depressed. Empty. Empty. Empty.
Do you know what I mean by this? Have you felt this way too? Feel this way still?
It sucks, doesn’t it? It fucking sucks.
There is another part to this, though. The main reason we stay stuck in the fucked-up-ness of our life. It’s something we don’t really even know about. We aren’t aware it is even happening to us. But, when you’re a child you can’t be familiar with its presence unless someone tells you about it. And, as you get older there is no way of knowing until one day is it shown to you in one way or another.
It’s your mind. That shitty voice inside your head.
(I wrote about this in the last column The Mean thoughts inside my head)
This fucking voice is the reason for just about everything. It controls what you do, where you go, how you think, how you behave, how you live and how you FEEL.
Right now as I am writing this, I feel shit. I feel like I am not conveying myself properly and that what I am writing sucks. I want to quit and go and do something else. The voice in my head has attacked me so many times that I don’t even need that voice to say a word in order for me to feel hopeless and inferior. It has repeatedly bombarded me with lies and nonsense my whole life, that those feelings are now permanently there. In everything I want to do. Which has prevented me from doing much at all. I begin things but then quit because this voice has been so convincing I don’t know any other way to be.
So, as I am feeling all this suppressing behaviour, my ego is kicking back with its feet up congratulating itself on a job well done. It doesn’t even have to say anything in order for me to feel exactly the way it wants me to feel. Hopeless and inferior.
The old me would have given up by now. She would believe every word and every feeling as if it they were the real me. Hopeless and inferior. But I’m not. I am so much more than that. I could never feel that before. I would never allow myself to feel that even though I had glimpses of it. Even when my loving voice whispered it in my ear. Even when my life was really good I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. I couldn’t feel the goodness of it. I only wallowed in my misery and self-pity because I was horrible and my life was horrible. It fucking sucked and I fucking sucked. I was worthless and unworthy. Thanks Saskia (my ego/shitty voice’s name) for telling me how fucking awful I am. I really appreciate all those lost years when I was supposed to be enjoying myself. Feeling so good about where I was at and all the great things I had. Thanks a fucking lot!
Writing those words brings up a lot of anger. I feel as though I missed so much of my life because of not being able to feel good about myself. Feeling all those horrible things about myself caused me more pain. And, on and on it went until one day it became overwhelming. It became too much. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I was exhausted from holding my feelings at bay. I was tired of protecting myself so much that I never felt anything good. My feelings are getting worked up. They are being taken back to that time and feeling it all over again. I’ve had to take a moment and breathe deeply. Calm myself down.
At least I am feeling something. Is something better than nothing? I think so. When you hate yourself as much as I did it seems as though there will never be a chance to feel anything else.
I always longed for the feeling of joy and the feeling of love. Although I wasn’t entirely sure what they felt like, I had an old awareness somewhere deep within me. It was my hope that one day I would find them again. But, first I had to acknowledge the ones I have. They weren’t serving me very well but they were still mine. I owned them.
I began to look at all that made me angry and why. Why was I sad. Why was I frustrated. Why was I miserable. And, most importantly, was it true. Our voice convinces us of its truth, not the truth. Determining the difference is tricky. Over time it gets easier and the irony is your feelings show you the way. It is your feelings that let you know what is your truth and what isn’t.
Think back to a past experience or moment in time when you felt differently to what was happening inside your mind. Your gut was talking to you, letting you know that what you were about to do was not right for you or the other way around. Which did you listen to? What was the end result?
The biggest one for me was the day I let myself listen to my gut instead of my head. My now husband came to pick me up one morning before we were to head out for ANZAC day. I was lying in bed and he was sitting on a chair across from me. My head was talking to me and letting me know that this was not what it seemed. He was just another guy who was not really that interested in me. He’d have his fun and then leave. My heart was cold and closed and I couldn’t cope with being rejected again. My mind was calling the shots.
However.
My feelings were saying something different. They were affirming this was not just another guy. They told me to ignore what my head way saying and just see where this goes. Trust that it will all work out. One way or another. So, I did. I trusted my feelings rather than listening to my head. We have now been together for sixteen years.
So many of us trust in our head instead of what we are feeling. Somewhere along the way it was discouraged to listen to your feelings. Feelings don’t know anything. Only the head does. We lost touch with our guidance resulting in poor decision making and all of the mental and emotional issues we are dealing with today.
In saying that, we all have our own unique path. My depression and weight gain, my pain and my sadness, my hate and my hurt have all made me who I am today. They have led me to this place where I get to share it with others. I am now doing what I love. Writing. I am putting all of those feelings and experiences out there for anyone to read. Is that scary? Bloody oath it is. Do I want to run away and hide like I have always done? Fuck YES! But that is the old me. The me who listened to my shitty voice way too much. It is my feelings that have led me to doing this. And it feels right.
I allow my feelings to guide me. When Saskia chimes in with her words of discouragement I kindly tell her to mind her own business. She doesn’t get to run the show any more. I do. The human me and the Soul me.
There is another side to all of this that no one really talks about. Thankfully more and more people are sharing this and more and more people are beginning to listen. How your feelings affect your physical body.
In her book Molecule’s of Emotion, Candace Pert, a neuroscientist and pharmacologist, explains how neuropeptides and cytokines act as communication agents between the body and the brain. She also writes about how these molecules of emotion are a very intelligent part of the bodymind because the two are connected in a way no one was able to see before. At least not in the last couple of hundred years. Before that it simply was.
Emotions are made by these molecules throughout the body in all of its systems connecting brain and body. So much so Candace declared that the body was the subconscious mind.
Here are a few sentences from her amazing book to explain how it works: “The receptor, having received a message, transmutes it from the surface of the cell deep into the cell’s interior, where the message can change the state of the cell dramatically”.
Also, “On a more global scale, these minute physiological phenomena at the cellular level can translate to large changes in behaviour, physical activity, even mood”.
This shows the effect of thoughts. You have a thought and the vibration that goes along with that thought, being a high vibration (feeling really good) or a low vibration (feeling really down), travels into the body and into your cells. Everything is made up of energy. A vibrational energy. Therefore, how you feel has a major impact on your health.
Those high or low vibrations make their way into your cells and affect how they function.
I won’t go into too much detail here about this as I am not qualified to do so. There are many books and experts who can share their knowledge with you about how your emotions really do affect your health. This is from my understanding and my experience only. I have read many, many books in my attempt to heal my emotional and physical body. I believe I have been guided along the way to read each book at the right time. (If you would like to read any of these wonderful books I’ll share them below).
All I know is this feels right. I can feel how my anger and my refusal to let all the good feelings in has caused physical pain. All of the negative thoughts and feelings have moved through me every second of the day for the last forty something years. And now that I am aware of what I am doing to myself I can feel the difference when I think more kindly and lovingly. There is a major difference. I’m sure you have noticed it too. When you feel really good your whole body comes alive. It buzzes and is filled with the most vibrant energy. Then, on the other side of the coin, is when you feel sad or depressed, angry or hurt, your body slumps. Its energy has fizzled out. You’re tired and lethargic. You have no desire to do anything. Life feels hard.
In my quest for self healing I was opened up to the fact that my emotions were all over the place. I was ignoring them and not allowing myself to feel anything good because I was of the belief that I didn’t deserve to feel anything good. So, that’s why I have been reading book after book to discover a way to free myself from the torment inside me. My loving voice is showing me the way and I am following her. Its not always easy and I do resist more than she would like (haha) but I know it is in my best interest. I don’t want to be that way any more. I don’t want the physical pain that has been creeping up on me to get worse.
For the last ten years of my mothers life her physical body deteriorated until eventually she wasn’t able to walk or use her arms and hands to feed herself. I cannot let that happen to me. But its beginning to. My legs and hips are aching and sore. They can get quite painful to the point I can hardly stand up any more. The years of punishment and emotional assault are catching up to me.
A few weeks ago I had a dream. I can’t remember the dream except for this one very important part. I woke up and it was being repeated over and over in my mind. It felt significant like someone was telling it to me. I had to write it down so as not to forget but I don’t think I will ever forget.
The words shared with me in the dream are this: Emotions = E-motion. Energy in motion. Meaning, emotions are energy and that energy moves about the body in a high or low vibrational frequency. It moves in and out of your cells affecting those cells in a good way or a “bad” way. Does this energy help your cells to be healthy or does it cause them to feel depleted in some way?
Another brilliant book is “The Secret Language of the Body” by Inna Segal. In this book she lists each body part and the emotional attachment causing pain and illness in this area. There’s even an extensive list of physical ailments such as headaches, sore throat and varicose veins.
I mentioned my hips are in pain. Especially my right one. In her book she says painful hips are due to family problems and disagreements. Who are you carrying on your hip? Feeling used and unappreciated. Angry, betrayed, deceived, let down and alienated. Experiencing strain and frustration, guilt, lack of support and too much responsibility.
I agree with all of this. I have felt this way every day of my life for as long as I can remember. Since I was a young girl.
You could argue that most people have some of these in their life but not experience hip pain. That is true. Maybe your emotion is caught up in a different part of your body? Every one is different and they are going to experience things very differently to everyone else. Look at your pain. Where is it? How long has it been there?
Listen to your body. What is it telling you? Listen to your feelings. What are they saying to you?
It is ok to have feelings. It is especially ok to have the painful ones. We want nothing more than to NOT feel those ones. They suck. They’re awful. They feel gross. We’ll do anything to avoid them. But we can’t. You can’t. I can’t. They are our guidance and they help us to figure shit out. Which way to go. What is real. What is the truth. What gives us joy. What do we really love.
Being sad or depressed or angry is not a bad thing. It can be helpful. Understanding what it is trying to teach you will bring you back into your good feeling state quicker. Be in it if you need to. Listen to what your sadness is saying to you. Listen to why you are feeling such anger. Then ask if it is from your Self (your inner guidance) or if your shitty voice is pulling you deeper into the darkness.
Listen. Always listen. Your feelings are your guide. Dismiss them no more. Love them and trust in them.
By doing this I no longer feel dead inside. I am tuning into my feelings and allowing them to guide the way. I am finally coming back to life. And I love it!
In the meantime, keep on shouting “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Here’s a little exercise for you to do:
Listen to your feelings. Where are they coming from? Which part of you? Which ones feel good and which ones don’t. Why are they there? Where have they come from?
Write them down. Make a list of all of them. Ask yourself if they are true or not.
Maybe talk about them with your partner or closest friend. Ask them what shitty feelings they have. What great feelings do they have?
If you’re feeling brave, comment below and share your thoughts. I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up feelings.
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