I put on 2 kilos and that’s okay. Is it? Is it really? Well, it has to be otherwise I will spin out of control and eat my way through the misery of putting on a measly 2 kilos.

But what about the rest of them? The other 13 or so kilos I have put onto my body over the last 2 years. They are there mocking me, taunting me. Why do they do that? Because I let them. Because I let them badger me into believing that I am nothing unless those kilos disappear and I get back to the skinny me I once was. Even though that skinny me absolutely hated herself.

So, what’s better? Being skinny but hating every inch of your body and yourself? Or being “fat” and loving every inch of your body and yourself?

In our ridiculous society that worships only those who have the “right” body, then being skinny with a side of hatred is what we’re all supposed to aim for. The hatred doesn’t matter. We all hate ourselves so what’s the big deal? As long as you look good on the outside who gives a shit about the mess on the inside.

I have now been invited to a very fancy dinner aboard a yacht (not my usual Saturday night by any means) and my wardrobe is full of skinny clothes. Mostly. All of the beautiful dresses I once used to fit into no longer fit. I have nothing to wear (oh, the dilemma!)

What is a fat girl to do?

Can I lose 10 kilos in the next 24 hours? Maybe if I went to a plastic surgeon and asked them to chop off all my fat?

God. It’s so fucked up isn’t it, the crazy spin we hurl ourselves into. All because of the size of our body. When did it become so obscene to be fat? When did it become torture to just be who we are in the beautiful body we have been given?

Do I rush out and buy something that I may never wear again, just to feel good? Why shouldn’t I? I want to feel good. I want to feel comfortable in what I am wearing so that I don’t spend the whole night feeling like a whale.

NO. I will not allow myself to spin out of control. I will love who I am right now and have faith it will all work out. I am a smart woman with so much more to offer than just a pretty dress.

I do wish I hadn’t put on so much weight though. That thought just ran through my mind. Why did I have to put on so much weight and ruin this one night?

So stupid isn’t it. The shit that we think. I can be gorgeous no matter what. I AM gorgeous no matter what and I know I will find something beautiful and it will be an amazing night out with some friends. The end (HA! If only).

What do you do when something like this happens to you? Do you spin out of control or do you realise your worth and trust you will be fucking awesome because you are fucking awesome as you are right now? Your body is awesome and YOU are awesome.

I will tear my wardrobe apart until I find something that will look amazing on me.

Ok. Enough of that now.

See, it doesn’t matter how aware you are or how much you are living your life with divine conscious; there is always that voice inside you who comes running into your mind with its bag of negativity and dumps it at your feet, throwing all sorts of reasons at you as to why you can’t this or you can’t that (read when what you want isn’t coming fast enough here for a bit more on this).

When this happens you have to get your broom out and sweep all that negativity away. Then open up your own bag of thoughts and dig around for one or two that feel better than what was going on. It’s also about seeing the situation from a different angle. A new perspective. Because where you stand in the situation validates all you can see.

Your eyes are not the only part of you concluding the outcome. Yes, you see the situation right in from of you but your past, your feelings and emotions, your life experience, your beliefs, your culture, your family life, your expectations, your ideas, your desires, your intentions, your judgments, your upbringing, your thoughts about the future, your reasoning, your influence, the influence of others, your trauma, your values, your worth; all of it infiltrates your vision and obscures it to a degree where you can’t see straight.

And, honestly, that’s what makes you you. That’s what makes your perspective so definitively unique, and yet, it also prevents you from stepping a few feet to the left or right or moving a little forward or a little bit backwards and noticing how it looks from there.

That new angle is all you need to see that it isn’t quite so bad and you now have that new perspective to find the answer you need to resolve whatever is going on. Whether that is turmoil inside of you or a situation on the outside bringing turmoil into you.

For years I lived in the turmoil of my body and it not being good enough. It was never, ever good enough.

So, even though it is bigger than it has been in years I choose to love myself anyway. And always. I believe I have come to this point in my life for a reason. I know why this weight has been hard to shift. And, it has nothing to do with the food I eat and everything to do with how I feel inside.

I have a lot of shit I need to dig out. I have to wade through all of the shit on the surface in order to reach the very deep stuff down below. I have avoided it slightly. Not gone as deep as I know I need to but everything I have done so far has helped to release a lot of trauma and turmoil so I can reach the bottom of the pile and deal with it in a loving way. Love for myself.

There is no way I could deal with it any time before this because I was too afraid. Too weak. Too resistant. Lots of reasons. Now, though, I want to actually get down and dirty. It won’t be easy. But it will be worth getting myself dirty for.

My weight is not about my body. My weight is about how I feel about myself, my life, my past and my future. It’s about my self-worth.

I have found remnants of it amongst all of the shit inside me. It is still in there. It was just buried too deep. Some of it made its way to the surface, enough for me to find little bits and pieces so I wouldn’t stop digging.

Keep digging. You will find yours too. Whatever it is you are looking for. Take a step or two in another direction and see who you are from a fresh perspective. Let your own Livvy (Watch the Loving Voice video here) guide you.

You are worth it. I am worth it. We are all worth it.

Remember…