Is it Possible to Love My Body?

Is it Possible to Love My Body?

Is it possible to love my body as it right now? In all of its fucked up glory?

I never thought so.

Hating my body was a full time job that regularly went into overtime, night shift and all weekend. 24/7.

It simply wasn’t good enough. Not for me and not for those who had to look at me.

This column isn’t going to rehash all of that. I’ve certainly shared plenty already. I want this column to reflect where I’m at now and how I got here.

So, how did I manage to go from self-loathing and hatred to kindness and understanding?
How did I begin to realise there was more to me than what my body looked like?

Life is for learning. I never liked learning in the educational institution type way. I believed I was not smart enough so I never really tried. Parcel that with how I felt about myself and my body in general, then the outcome was always going to be less than ideal. Its taken until my forties to understand that learning comes from more than what is taught to us in school and university. Life is for learning about who you are as a person so you can then apply that to the life you are living. Every life is unique. Schools, unfortunately, teach us as if we are all the same. We must look the same, act the same and live the same. And, if you don’t fit into the ideal mould, built by some sadistic fuck who cares nothing for the people and their individual needs; then you become an outcast. Different. Weird. Add in any other hurtful description used for those who choose not to bend and break themselves to fit. Or those that do everything in their power to bend and break so as to fit in with everyone else but just cannot seem to do it.

That was me. Way back when. It was exhausting trying to be some other version of myself. I never did quite get myself squished into that mould. It hurt too much. No other version was able to, either.

Loving ourselves as we are is not as easy task. In fact it can be quite challenging. The amount of times I thought I was “there” is immeasurable. I’d be going about my wonderful day and living a wonderful life, feeling wonderful and being wonderful, being the person I always wanted to be so badly; and then BOOM I was knocked off my wonderful axis and thrown to the ground with a terrifying force.
For me whenever I was knocked down it seemed to be all my body’s fault. That was my default diagnosis as to why my life was as shitty as I believed it to be. My body was fat, therefore I didn’t deserve the life I wanted, so it was swiftly taken away.

It wasn’t my body’s fault at all. My body was only being my body. It was the weakness, the hatred, the self-loathing, the anxiety and the depression that should have been held responsible. It was the meanness of my shitty voice that was truly to blame. None of the above. It was the love never received that made all of that happen in the first place.

Alright! Let’s get into how I have managed to bring kindness and understanding back into my body, which has culminated in the growing sensation of love.

Trying to put all of it down into a step by step instruction is going to be a little tough. I say this because I have figured out what works for me from a multitude of sources. Taking a sliver of guidance, direction, counsel, pointers, lessons, help, ideas, opinions, wisdom, knowledge, information, enlightenment and mentorship from each and every “teacher” brought into my awareness. There have been many. Some I resonate with and some I take what I need in the moment and leave the rest be. I was always looking for that one person or that one thing that was going to change it all. I did find that one thing. It was me. All along I was the one I was looking for. I just couldn’t do it alone.

In times of growth and change, the information we seek can come in many forms. But, ultimately, I, you, we, are the only ones who can absorb that information into the very being of who we are, profiting from words of inspiration and accepting the high quality of what has been echoed into our emotional guidance system.

When information is shared to us by someone, this information will be interpreted differently by every person hearing it.

The words spoken come with their own backstory from the person speaking them. They share them in a way that is unique to what has gone on for them in their life. Same as when those words filter into the ears of the person receiving them. They cannot possibly fully understand each and every word and their place of origin. All information is open to interpretation.

I love sharing what I have learned. Once upon a time, yes, I had the belief that what I wanted to share is right for all. Now I am of the understanding that its ok to share our experiences, our knowledge and our viewpoint, as long as we don’t get stuck in the belief that it is the be all and end all of such knowledge. That it fits every single person on this planet. That everyone’s life will change because of it.

We are not all the same. What we hear and see hits us differently.

There is always a choice to be made about whether it is right or not.

All of that has helped define my learning process. It most certainly has helped to discern what is right for me and what isn’t. I can leave behind anything I know deep down I don’t need. Just because someone amazing says you need to do this or you need to do that, it doesn’t actually mean you have to.

There is WAY too much information floating around these days. Some of it contradictory and some of it very time consuming. If we listened to everyone about all that we “should” be doing then we would have no time left for anything else.

I read a great book a couple of years back called the 5AM Club, by Robin Sharma. I really did enjoy the lessons throughout the book. But, ultimately, I found it too strict. There was no room to flow. There was no room to incorporate myself into the routine. That’s my interpretation of it. I did the routine for a little while until I realised it wasn’t right for me. Has it worked for others? Well, that I can’t say but I would think so.

I have read so many books in the last few years to support my growth, learning and development. Some have stuck with me, others not as much. And, that’s ok. I thoroughly enjoyed reading them. (Here is the list, if you’d like to check it out – insert link).

Ok. Enough babbling now. Lets get to the nitty gritty. Here’s the list of how I have learnt to love my body. As it is right now. In all its wonderful wobbly glory.
  • Letting go of what I don’t need or want
  • I can change anything I don’t like about myself
  • I can find the answers I am looking for by going within
  • I am deserving of feeling better and being better
  • My body is so much more capable than I have ever given it credit for
  • My body is so much more than what it looks like
  • I was meant to have this body and to use it for this exact purpose
  • My body loves to move. It loves to run and exercise. It loves to feel strong
  • I have gotten to know my body in a more loving way
  • I have worked very hard to get rid of the hatred and self-loathing
  • I don’t have to care about what other people think of my body
  • I do NOT have to look like anyone but me
  • My body deserves my love
  • I don’t have to be jealous of skinny women
  • I don’t believe my shitty voice anymore
  • I’ve stopped punishing my body with huge amounts of food
  • My emotions are important
  • I listen to my body
  • I learn what my body wants and needs
  • I have a conversation with my body and I trust it to know what it wants
  • I eat with love
  • I listen to how it feels and why
  • I understand how powerful my body really is
  • I don’t blame my body anymore
  • I have an understanding of all that is within me
  • I am in control. I am powerful
  • I connect to my Loving Voice to know and understand myself and my body more
  • I talk to myself in a kind and loving way
  • I have taught myself all of this through trial and error
  • I never give up on myself. I keep going
  • I forgive myself and my body
  • I know the difference between my loving voice and my shitty voice
  • I want to keep learning about who I am
  • I am no longer scared of the person I am, was and will be
  • This is a lifelong change. I will never be done with learning about myself

That is quite the list. No doubt there are a few things I have not thought about.

All I can say is that my determination to know myself better has outweighed any chance of going back to the woman I was. Feeling just a little bit good has spurred me on to have more of it. Believing I deserve all of this is the foundation from which I firmly place myself. There is no better place to be. I can see (and feel) all of it from here. My vision may not always be so clear but it is my job to clear the rubbish as it falls at my feet. All of the above helps me to do that.

I want to. I deserve to.

But when those doubts and angst ridden thoughts creep on back in, that’s when I shout SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here’s your exercise for this week.

Do you like your body as it is right now? Why? Why not? Write down all the reasons why you possibly cannot love the body you have. Where have these reasons come from? Are they even true? Ask yourself whether your body deserves more love from you? Do you want to love your body more?

Why do we even hate our bodies in the first place! There really is no rational reason for this. We have been taught to hate our bodies. Let’s unteach ourselves.

We deserve that!

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