Lonely
For most of my life, I felt lonely. A weight carried in my heart that was heavy and burdensome.
Where did it even come from? Why was it there? But, most importantly, was it even true?
I believed in this feeling for so long. I believed in the thoughts that went along with this feeling.
It took me such a long time to realise that this feeling was not justified. It was simply not true.
Listen. Learn. Love.
Each day you are there disturbing all that I do
I feel you inevitably but not always so real or so true
A life from long ago has kept you lingering in my world
There is much I want to do about this feeling unfurled
As it persists in each moment of attempted joy and pleasure
No doubt they, too, will soon abandon me altogether
I’m left with this one to remain in their place
What a fucked up reality this whole thing creates
I can’t seem to move from what is clearly not real
Creating conditions that aren’t undamaged or ideal
The eyes that are looking out into my life
Are full of notions and opinions that act as my guide
They take me and lead me together hand-in-hand
With the loneliness I don’t think I’ll ever understand
In that life long ago I was surrounded by many
Yet each one left me lonely and troubled and heavy
Affected I am to an emotional invasion
My heart invisibly wounded with an additional abrasion
Why does this feeling confiscate every last drop?
I want it to end, I desperately want it to stop
I know you’re not real, yet the illusion is grand
I must do what is hard and take a final stand
Alone I am not, my mind beholds honestly
I need to raise it from the deep and control it consciously
I can no longer allow the notion of yesteryear
Such a fixation for this feeling I have held tightly to keep near
Step by step, bit by bit, I must persevere and proceed
Until one day, very soon, I will finally succeed
I know in my head this feeling isn’t true
Yet its fucked up my perception, not sure what else I could do
Take my time and relax, know I don’t have to believe
Each and every lonely thought, I can ask them to leave
I have goodness all round and within me as well
Focus focus on that, I do bid you farewell
There is hope for me yet, pull myself out of this validity
The nonsense now ends as does my fucked up stupidity
This book came to be from every part of my life experience. Every heartache. Every hateful thought. Every self-loathing feeling. And, every bit of love that I denied to myself. In reading the words on these pages, my hope is you, too, recognise some parts of yourself and realise there is so much more to who you are than what you believe. Be open to what may come to you whilst you are absorbed in the heartache, the loneliness, the sadness, the misery, the hope, the reflection, the spirit and the love in this collection of poems and short stories.
Buy the Book Here
Use the button below to read and watch more poems about the love/hate/hate relationship I have had with myself and my body over the last few decades of my life.
Take a Look Here