My depression doesn’t want me to

My depression doesn’t want me to do most things.
My depression doesn’t want me to do anything.
My depression doesn’t want me to grab a hold of the joy I have inside of me.
No!

It wants me to live in this world it has created for me.

I speak as if I am an unwilling participant. That’s what it feels like so much of the time. Whatever little control I have gets washed away by the tide of depression that crashes on top of me without warning.

When this happens I feel paralysed. Unable to move in any direction.

My mind is swallowed up by the gigantic wave of insignificance, followed by the steady stream of hopeless thoughts and heavy feelings. I fight for air as my head keeps going under. Thrashing about, desperately looking for something to hold onto so I don’t drown.

There’s a decision to be made. An idea to attend to. A desire to fulfil.

I can’t. It’s too hard.

My depression doesn’t want me to.

Its too much so I take the easy way out and follow the path of least resistance. The same old broken and crumbled path I have always taken. This is the only one I know. This is the only one that feels safe. Comfortable. Whatever it is that I may want for myself and for my life, well, that must be left behind. It is too awkward to carry with me. I don’t deserve it anyhow.

Isn’t this just such a wonderful way to live? To constantly be battling yourself whenever you want to do something.

It fucking sucks!

My existence on this planet is made up of lies and misinformation. Fake news being reported from the depths of my fucked up mind.

That’s what (I believe anyway) depression really is. it is fake news. Bullshit. A concoction of nonsense that I was clueless to believe. And, now that I know better I, at least, have some of my power back to keep fighting the fight. To win each battle so I can eventually win the war.

I wish it wasn’t a fight. I wish it wasn’t a war. I wish I was able to describe my way of life in a nicer, more peaceful way. But, it’s not peaceful on the inside of me. It’s fucking hell sometimes.

My depression doesn’t want me to exist in that peaceful environment. My depression loves chaos and upheaval. It loves messiness and disarray. It loves to attack and disarm.

Its as if an alien life form has invaded my mind. I am still in there somewhere, yet, this alien life form has all of the control. Its only purpose is to destroy me from the inside.

Making a decision turns into warfare. Me against my mind. I fight for my absolutely justified right to have or do this thing that I want to have or do, but I’m weak. My strength slowly depleting over the years, for which I was too neglectful to notice. All of my senses were interfered with, rendering them useless. My thoughts and feelings acquired by this alien life form for their own entertainment.

Knowing all this, unfortunately, does not make it any easier to cope with. I’d love to be none-the-wiser. Yet, here I am with all of this knowledge that I cannot garner the full strength of to use in the still present battles I find myself in habitually and persistently.

So, I have a plan! Well, an idea to help strengthen this resolve that I will never sit idly by and allow to be destroyed.

As someone who loves to create a list, this is where I will begin. A list. A list of all of those things my depression doesn’t want me to do. All those things I have handed over to my depression because I was too weak to fight back. My strength is increasing every day. I am holding onto it with every fibre of my being. I will NOT be overtaken by my depression anymore. The alien life form that has taken up residence inside my mind needs to be extracted and expelled. We cannot both co-exist any longer. Because we cannot both be happy at the same time and my happiness is more important than the happiness of an uninvited intruder.

I must do all of the things I have wanted to do. I must do all of the things I know are good for me. I must do all of the things that will cultivate the fun-loving parts of who I am.

My depression has held me to ransom for far too long. I have experienced enough battle scars for one lifetime. I cannot fight the fight any longer. Peace must be declared. A truce. This is my body, my mind and my life. I have to be the one who leads us to a healthy state of mind, where my inner world is comfortable, powerful and self-assured.
What are these things I have always wanted to do but my depression swiftly stole them from me?

This is going to be hard to answer. For now. I have to get it going. Find one or two things and let it flow from there. There is a whole lifetime of no’s and cant’s behind me. Not all of the them need to be renewed and fulfilled. Do I really need to find the confidence to talk to that boy I used to like in high school? Do I really need to put my hand up in class and give the answer I know is right?

My depression stole so much from me and I want it all back!

My confidence. My joy. My capability. My deservedness. My good enough. My love. My kindness. My power.

What is it that I want to do? What can I do now that my depression can no longer hold me back?

I honestly don’t know. I have let go of so much of what I wanted that this question is difficult to answer.

Breaking it down from the big feelings to the small components that make up these restrictive and restraining feelings, will ensure I am able to at least get somewhere.

I do have two things in my life right now that I constantly battle to do. Running and finding a creative outlet.

My depression has interfered with my ability to run for the last three years since I was lovingly guided to do this thing I have wanted to do for most of my life but never allowed myself to do. The mean thoughts filling my mind every day have definitely held back my progress until the progress was no longer progress. It became a childish beginning.

Same with the desire to be creative. My mind has told me a gazillion times how bad I am at drawing, yet, there was a silent desire to pick up a pencil and let the creativity sweep me up in its beauty. With plenty of false starts over the last couple of months, I have now used that pencil to learn how to draw. I also love watercolour so I am teaching myself that, too, despite what discouraging and debilitating thoughts pop into my head to stop me.

This is where my list begins.

  1. Run

  2. Be artistically creative

 

 

This is my first proper attempt at being artistically creative. I am quite pleased with how it turned out.

They are challenging in themselves but I do require it to be challenging. I can thrive on that when my mind is turned down. Easy actually does not work for me, so why not start off big!

As the weeks go by this list will grow. I will remember more of what I was never allowed to do by my mind.

My depression doesn’t want me to transforms into I WANT TO…

Once again my determination keeps me going.

And, of course, whenever my depression has a word or two to say that is discouraging and debilitating, then I shall yell into the expanse of all that is miserable and pessimistic SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here is your exercise for this week.

Are you, too, living with depression? If so, what is your depression stopping you from doing that you know deep down you really, REALLY want to do? Is there a way for you to do it anyway? To not listen to those shitty thoughts inside your head, tell them to fuck off and listen to your loving voice as they guide you forward? Toward the thing that you want to do? Create your own list. Write it all down and get it out of you so you can see where to go next. Stand up and take that next step despite what your depression doesn’t want you to do.

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