The Mean Thoughts Inside My Head
This column is called SHUT THE FUCK UP. This obscenity is not directed at someone I know, or even someone I don’t quite know, but more directly towards myself. That’s right ME! The me inside me who does not SHUT THE FUCK UP. The me who incessantly chatters nonstop about how awful I am, how fat I am, how useless I am, how unworthy I am. You know the voice because you have one too. Only your conversation will have a slightly different focus. But more or less it is the same because it LOVES to tell you how unworthy you are and how you will never be enough no matter what you do
It’s fucking mean, hey? And, we put up with it! We let it go on and on and on as if it knows better. As if it knows best. As if it is the only voice that gets to decide how things are.
Where does this voice come from?
So, where does this fucking voice come from? There are many perceptions on this voice and the most common is that it is the ego. Freud generated this description but apparently he hardly even used it in his writings. It is one of those things that gets misconstrued along the way and becomes something bigger than it intended to be. However, we have all heard of the ego and its wicked ways. It is that part of you that is self-centred and drives you to do all manner of crazy things.
This part of you develops when you are a child. It helps you to make sense of the world but that sense is influenced by so many factors that the ego takes them all on as if they are your own. The ego is your protector and, believe it or not, it wants the best for you. It wants you to be safe and comfortable. It wants you to listen to its words of wisdom and believe in them wholeheartedly because it has gathered all the information and made the best decision for you in that moment. It has assessed all the mistakes and heartaches from the past and mashed them up with the potential risks from the future and given you numerous reasons as to why you MUST NOT undertake this very terrible, life threatening thing that you really, REALLY want to do. No matter how much you love it you must not do it because of all the things it has listed against it. But they are very reasonable reasons as to why not and if you choose not to listen to any of them or only a few of them then this voice gets louder and louder. More demanding. More mean. More vindictive. It will invent possible scenarios to stop you from going ahead. It will show you horror after horror. It will flash before your eyes the worst possible circumstances and have you believing in every single one of them so you DO NOT keep going with that thing you absolutely love. That would be just awful. So, you don’t. You listen and you stop. Phew. Crisis averted. Your voice can relax a little now. It has convinced you the world out there is unsafe. That the world does not want you to succeed. That you are not worthy of anything good so you need to stay in this comfortable and pitying misery where you belong. You know what life is like here. You don’t know what life is like out there so why take the risk.
That’s exhausting isn’t it? That’s what it is like inside our heads at all times. And we let it, for goodness sake. Why? Because we don’t know any better. We think (who is letting us think this??? I wonder!) this voice is the only voice we have.
There is another. And, I feel, there is also another. All up, three.
Who are they? And what is their intended purpose?
Let’s start with the more down-to-earth of the three. The human you. Whether or not I am entirely correct here, I do not know. It is what I feel is inside of me. I feel like amongst the other two, I also have this earthly being. The me who contains my humanly characteristics, my attitudes and behaviours. The part of me that is more grounded into the human being than the other two. Though, with that being said, my attitudes and behaviours can be influenced by the other two (though never at the same time). I guess it is more to do with… I am actually having a hard time finding the right words. I can feel this side of me but cannot find the words to express her.
I’ve got it!
She is neutral. She knows what she wants for her life in this lifetime. She has an awareness of all parts of herself and what each part means. Her humanness has a different perspective. She is unbiased and determined to live her best life despite the interference of her ego. She can stand on the sidelines and notice what is going on inside of her. She is able to have a conversation with both the shitty part of herself (Saskia) and the loving part of her Self (Livvy) in an effort to understand where both are coming from because ultimately the final decision is hers. She is the one who takes the action or doesn’t. She is the one who feels her way into what they are asking of her. She is the one who takes on the fear of her ego or the love of her Inner Being.
It is her quirks and qualities that define her. Projecting a demeanour that no body else has. She feels and thinks in her own special way. Her temperament is one of a kind. She has habits and tendencies. All of which can be influenced by the others at any time. But her humanness is remarkable. Individual. She completes the triad of who she is in this lifetime. She is the strong foundation. A congruency of her being.
She has the final say.
Next, there is your “ego”, your shitty, mean and horrible voice (whom I just wrote about). And then, of course, there is your soul. Your Inner Being. Your Divine Spirit. Your Loving Voice. I call mine Livvy.
This is the voice inside of you that you really need to listen to more than anything else. Because this voice is your truth. It is your love. She is your heart and Soul.
Unfortunately, though, this voice is not as loud as your mean one. It is fairly quiet. She doesn’t yell at you to get you to listen. That would be great sometimes, if she did. If she would just grab you gently by the shoulders and spoke loud and clear straight to your face in very simple, obvious and intelligible words. That would make life so much easier, wouldn’t it?
But, she doesn’t. She whispers from the depths of your Soul. Her intention muffled by the sounds of your more loud and obnoxious voice. By your long held beliefs about who you think you truly are. By all the gunk and the shit that has taken up all the space inside you. With barely a peephole for her words to filter through.
Her words do get to your ears eventually. Yet, those words fall on deaf ears. Ears that are not ready to hear anything different. That’s when your other voice chimes in with its boring, repetitive list of WHY NOT’S!
Here it goes again. Blah, blah, fucking blah.
So, what do you do about it? How can you shut that fucking voice up?
It’s not easy, I won’t lie. I have been at this for a good few years now and my shitty voice, Saskia, still tricks me.
I have been learning to go with the flow. To trust my inner guidance, Livvy, and see where the day takes me without putting pressure on myself to do a whole bunch of things that aren’t really that important in the end. I thought I was doing ok but when I got to the end of my day I noticed I wasn’t achieving anything. I spent the whole day questioning myself instead of actually doing what I wanted. And when I was doing what I wanted, I felt as though I was supposed to be doing something else. There was this never ending sense of wrongness. But I dismissed that too. I actually believed I was going with the flow but my feelings told me otherwise. Those I ignored because I was listening to my Self. Wasn’t I?
I was not.
Every single part of you needs to feel good in order for it to be your truth. Saskia mellowed herself out for a bit. She was gentle and kind. But, not really. I can look back now and see that I was fooled by her change of personality. Her softness was mistaken for my inner guidance. I chose to ignore what was really going on because I was so determined to tune into the real me that I only got half the channel. Interference was happening on a subliminal level. I couldn’t hear it for the determination of my earthly being to be better and do better and feel better was so strong. I wanted so badly to rid myself of this mean and horrible voice that my ignorance got the better of me. My better was simply static.
This means there is more to it than just your voice (voices). In order to be who you truly are and to live how you truly want there is more than just your voice to listen to. To be aware of and to allow yourself to be guided by. These are you emotions. Your feelings. I will discuss this more in the next column.
For now I want you to know that it is ok to be where you are now. Even though you have probably listened to your shitty voice more than your loving voice, there have been instances and experiences where your loving voice has led you without you truly knowing it.
I can attest to that. I moved overseas to both America and England because of my loving voice. These were things I did without too much thought (notice what I said there?). I did them because I wanted to. I did them because I was led to doing them. I did them because they felt right. Moving to England was the single most best thing I have EVER done for myself. It brought me to where I am today. Yes, I have the most amazing daughter, a wonderful husband, a home I have longed for forever, a beautiful place to live, experiences I never thought possible (again!) and some of the best people in my life.
Amongst all of that, though, there was a lot of pain and heartache. A lot of misery and suffering. Most of which I created myself. I created a world inside my head that kept me stuck in a certain amount of misery and no matter what was happening on the outside my inside was suffering. Big time. I have dealt with people who bring out the worst in me, I have endured moments of defeat, I have experienced things I never want to acknowledge or think about again and I have known a heartache no parent ever wishes to know.
It is only now I can look back with more clarity and acceptance of what I went through in my life. The joy, the pain. The happiness and the heartache. It was all there for me.
Regrettably, those happy moments were tainted. Contaminated by mean and horrible thoughts. Corrupted by hate and disgust. Ruined because I believed every fucking, stupid word in my head.
I trusted each and every word. I lived by them.
Not any more. I know better now. I know that those words are not my truth. That they are not me. For the me that is truly Me would never be so hurtful. She would never call me names and allow myself to feel such hatred for myself. She is love and only love. A concept I am still mastering. Love was missing. It is within me, buried somewhere amongst the gunk. The gunk is being shovelled out. The words roaming my mind no longer build up into a shitty and hateful mound of gunk.
I know better. I deserve better. I allow myself to think better and to feel better.
Well, this turned into a longer column than I expected. I think I had a lot to get out of me. Haha.
I hope you get the gist of what I have been saying, though, so I will do a top 5 to bring it all together.
- You DO NOT have to believe the words zooming around inside your head
- There is more than 1 voice inside of you
- If the words aren’t loving then ignore them
- Don’t engage yourself in the conversation. Observe from the sidelines.
- Those mean and horrible words are not who you truly are. Your Loving Voice is
In the meantime, keep on shouting “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Here’s a little exercise for you to do:
Listen to your thoughts some more. What mean and horrible things are being said to you?
Write them down. Make a list of all of them and then laugh at them. Remind yourself that these are not true. They are a made up version of who your shitty voice thinks you are. You are more than that. You are kind and loving. Welcome in those words and those thoughts. You deserve it.
Maybe talk them over with your partner or closest friend. See what horrible words they have swirling about their heads. Laugh about them together.
If you’re feeling brave, comment below and share your thoughts. I reckon you’re not the only one with so many fucked up thoughts.
Lastly, here a few ways to let go of that shit crashing around in your mind
~ be aware of your thoughts at all times and how they are making you feel and what impact they are having on your mental health and your life as a whole
~ acknowledge them
~ notice them but don’t put anything else on to them. They are not wrong, bad, shouldn’t be there. They simply are.
~ you can question why those thoughts are there. Where have they come from? Do a little investigating. Why have they been inside your mind for so long? Are they true? Question with kindness. All your doing is figuring out why they are there in the first place. Remember they are not wrong or bad. Give them no meaning.
~ leave them be. Let them sit there inside your mind while you go about your day. Don’t pay them any more attention
~ listen (barely) from afar with the volume turned down
~ eventually your thoughts will get bored and leave. Your mind realises you are not playing their game so they will try something else. Always be aware of the games your mind wants to play. Its not a fun game so don’t engage.
~ these thoughts will come back. But next time you will use your awareness to suss them out and know exactly what they are. Over a period of time they will fade into the background. Yay!