Until a gorgeous man accidentally bumped into her as she was coming out of a clothing store and he looked her up and down with a disgusted look on his face.

Her heart sank.

Why? Why did he look at me like that? She asked the universe as sadness began to saturate her body.

This feeling sat with her for a few days. It occupied her mind. She couldn’t get past that look. How can someone look at me that way? He doesn’t even know me.

Livvy echoed words of truth up to her once again. Moving them through her until they discharged all the horrible thoughts inside her.

“It does not matter what he thinks. The only opinion worthy of your attention is your own. Let go and be that woman again.”

She heard them and thought about them. Livvy was right, of course. But what did it really mean for her to let go of another’s opinion of what she looked like and who she was?

All her life she allowed others to make judgement which she then owned. They helped lay the foundation of her self-loathing and hatred because their opinion was truer than her own. Other people must know better, so why wouldn’t she believe them?

As she considered these powerful words she felt stronger. I cannot let them knock me down, she said out loud to the walls surrounding her.

I deserve better than that. I deserve my love and my kindness. So what if he looked at me that way. Maybe I caught him at a bad time and us bumping into each other hardened him further. Even gorgeous people have bad days. That look had nothing to do with me. I will not allow it to ruin my life. I have come too far for that.

And, each time since then when something happens (as it does, this is life after all) she has done her absolute best to pull herself out of her funk and keep moving forward and continue growing her love for herself whatever others opinions may be. They no longer hold any truth to who she is.

“Who’d have thought I would ever feel like this?”, she pondered to the woman in the mirror

I knew it was possible, her loving voice declared.

“I couldn’t have done it without you, Livvy”. She replied with tenderness

Livvy was the name she gave her loving voice a few months back. It seemed important to give her an identity as she was such a big part of who she is now and who she always was. She was always there. Offering up words of wisdom in those darkest moments but she was never able to hear them because her misery was too loud inside her head. It drowned out every loving word Livvy whispered to her. Until that beautiful day a year ago.

During the last few months of self discovery, she was led to the workings of the ego. Another part of her being. She read and listened to many of the different perspectives of the ego but to her it felt as though the ego was only doing what it could to keep her safe and protected from all of those “scary” things out there.

Which meant she became afraid of so many things. And, the lack of love for herself combined with the protection of her ego ensured she never left her comfort zone. No matter how much she truly wished she could feel better, live better and be better.

She came to the realisation that her ego was never going to go away, it would always be with her and that is not a bad thing at all. She would simply learn to work with her ego and not against it. So she allowed her to have an identity as well.

Saskia is her name and she deserves to be recognised. And, to be loved. For the three of them want nothing but the best for this beautiful soul living in this amazing human body with the great protector.

Upon knowing these various parts of herself, she has felt lighter and more autonomous than ever before.

For she now knows the woman behind the body. As the days pass, she discovers even more wonderful things about herself that she forgot. And, she has been able to recognise those pieces of her she would, once-upon-a-time, rather remove.

She realised her mistake all this time was denying ALL parts of who she is. Even those not-so-good parts. The anger, the rage, the sadness, the (dare she say it) depression.

It took coming out of her depression to know that she was actually in it. She knew she felt sadness and despair but she’d never really given it a name before. Though, defining it as depression does not sit well with her in spite of it being exactly what she was feeling.

She doesn’t do well with labels because she is so much more than that. She is many things. MANY, many things. She does know, however, she does not want to feel that way about herself ever again.

Yet, taking the time to notice those feelings she doesn’t want to feel has been so important to her healing. She ignored them too long which is why they remained swarming inside her ready to strike at any moment.

When she was a little girl she had feelings. Big ones. They were hers and she expressed them in the only way she knew how. Outwardly.

She let them escape from inside her so they could be free, for she knew keeping such feelings bound on the inside was not a good idea. Each feeling had to be released so there was room for new ones, so she was not chained to her old emotions causing her to live by them. Her mind and her body knew exactly what to do for every emotion. There was no discussion about how to deal with them or whether they were right or wrong. No. They just were and they were all hers. She felt angry, she got mad. She felt happy, she smiled and laughed.

Until, one day she began to notice her feelings were not welcome on the outside. The people living on the outside of her feelings yelled at her when she let them out. She was scolded for feeling happy. She was reprimanded for feeling mad. She received disapproving looks and discouraging remarks every time she felt or showed anything.

Remembering how her parents shut her feelings down, brings a sadness to her mood. Decades of her life have now passed as an emotional cripple. That’s what she calls it. Her feelings were hindered. They were forgotten. They were neglected.

The sadness she feels now is for so many things. How her parents treated her, how she allowed herself to remain in the anger for so long and for the pain her parents, themselves, must have been in to behave the way they did. All of it weighs heavy on her mind but she knows she cannot, and will not, let it destroy her again.

Her past was defined by this. How she behaved was defined by this. Every good feeling she wanted to feel was dismissed as she was so long ago. The little girl inside her is still affected by her parents treatment of her and her feelings. She would love to go back in time and give her that love and attention she so rightly wanted. To tell her her feelings are not wrong.