The Mirror. Part Two.
She looked.
She saw.
She beamed.
Her smile was incredible. Her whole face lit up. It glowed
She thought back to that day six months ago when she stood in front of this very same mirror, and looked.
Back then she hated herself. Back then she despised her body.
She wanted to find a way through the pain. She wanted to feel better.
But, how could she?
How could she feel better when she was so fat?
Fatness never made anyone feel better. Fatness only ever made people feel worse.
Fatness is offensive.
Fatness is disgusting.
Fatness is repulsive.
That’s how she felt about herself every day.
She couldn’t escape it because every time she looked in the mirror, she saw it.
That’s all she saw. That’s all anyone saw.
Her body was a constant reminder of how unlovable she was.
Well, that’s how she felt. That’s what she believed.
Not anymore. At least, not as much as before.
There are still dark days, when all she can see is a fat body. When the woman behind the body disappears and only lumps and wobbles of skin remain visible.
There are still moments when the hatred and disgust rise up like an ocean tide during a full moon and threaten to wash away every good feeling she has gripped onto for the past six months.
Those feelings ebb and flow.
She is always aware, though, of loosening her grip so those feelings can tumble from her grasp. She wants to let them go.
When those dark days hit and those moments of disgust creep in, she remembers one thing.
“I have the power within me to change anything I want to”.
This thought was spoken to her the day after she first heard the loving voice inside of her. That amazing day six months ago.
She has been so talkative since then and shared so much wisdom but this, well, this has held the most space inside her mind since then. This holds truer than any other word ever spoken before.
For these words bring her back into the light when her world goes dark.
These words bring back the feeling of love when hate and disgust run wild through her mind.
And, don’t they just love stomping around, making their presence known.
“Don’t forget about us”, they yell. “We’re still here. We are always here for you. We’ve been with you on your darkest days. Keeping you close. You can’t just forget about us and abandon us. Think about all we have been through”.
She does think about it. She remembers how the hate and disgust felt in her body. How they took over her mind.
They took away any hope of ever feeling good. Good about herself, her life, her body.
Anytime there was an inkling of love, of goodness, it was quickly snatched away, leaving only hate and disgust to replace a feeling never fully evolved.
There were times when the love fought hard. It grappled against the hate and disgust, for it knew there was so much more to her being. So much more to her life on this amazing earth.
So much more than looking at herself in the mirror and detesting every inch of her human flesh.
The love inside her did not feel the same way about her body as she did. The love inside her was never going to agree with those thoughts of hate and disgust
This love within spoke words of encouragement and affection more often than she allowed herself to hear, for she could not believe such wonderful words were ever for her. The only words she believed were those offered to her by those who took over her mind and her body. Hate and disgust.
They can only be the truest of words, for they match how she felt because how she looked did not permit better feelings than those.
How she looked was everything. It consumed her thoughts, her behaviours and her feelings. Her weight. Her body. That’s all that mattered. Getting skinny was all that mattered.
She looked at her body once again in the mirror.
She saw it in its realness.
A realness that is hers and hers alone.
Nobody else needs to be a part of this. There are too many realities to maintain.
“How can I keep you all happy whilst giving myself what I truly deserve?” She wondered.
“I can’t”, was the reply she gave to herself. “The only person I need to please is myself”
So much had changed over the last six months. So much that the woman in the mirror is hardly recognisable.
It’s the voice. That loving voice within me. The only true voice worth listening to.
She now knows with certainty, the loving voice is a part of her. It is her. Yet, it is more than her humanness.
Her loving voice comes from somewhere beyond her comprehension. She is of her and with her, however, the words she whispers are ethereal in their delivery. They move with a wisdom that is timeless and intentional.
They are empowering.
They are freeing.
These words from her own loving voice rise up within her to settle her thoughts and soothe her feelings whenever the hate and disgust do their best to disrupt her restful mind.
She knows who she wants to listen to now. She knows who’s words offer the most comfort.
It’s not easy, though. She admits to herself.
“I have known such angry, hurtful words for as long as I can remember. They have been a part of my existence without me ever really knowing that I can let them go whenever I want.”
“I believed in them. Deeply.”
“But, there is a woman behind this body.” She says to the woman in the mirror. “A woman many are too scared to know because her body does not match that which society constantly tells woman they are supposed to be.”
“I don’t know her yet myself, so, how can I expect anyone else to know who I am? I want to know. I am ready to know. I am ready to allow the real me to come out. I have hidden her away for so long I lost sight of myself.”
She knew it was time.
For the sun could not rise again, the moon could not shine one more time without a pilgrimage to retrieve every single part of her that was hidden away from the world. From herself. This was her quest from this moment on.
She was uncertain of how to go about such an enormous task. The determination, however, was blazing within her so fiercely she could feel its heat urging her on.
The determination was now mixed with a nervous excitement. It buzzed in her belly and made its way into her chest, her legs, her head. It flew around her body like a great butterfly migration.
The life she looked out on, though, through her sad and lonely eyes was very different to the life she held onto in her head.
Because her past, it was holding her back. Big time.
It held so much angst and worry inside of it. The emotional drain of constantly reliving her past left her feeling weary.
For there were reasons for her pain.
A life she knew she would never be able to change. People who were meant to love her but didn’t know how. Those who brought her into this world and then took her world away from her. Those who left her feeling unloved and alone. And the never ending sense of her being unworthy of her place here on earth.
Her life eventually became meaningless.
So, how is it possible to move on from the past and allow the excitement of a future yet recognised come into full bloom?
She wondered if letting go of all that consumed her would leave her feeling even more lost and confused for it was all she knew. Releasing them, would it leave her empty?
What could she replace them with?
“Love”, came the voice from within.
“Love and only love”.
“Love and only love”, she repeated.
“How can I bring love into my being when I have not felt such love for a very long time? The hate has been too strong. It has pushed every good feeling away. Every good feeling I have longed to feel was never allowed to stay.”
“I will show you. I will help you”, her loving voice answered her concern. “We will do it together. But, first you have to trust. Trust in me and trust in yourself. Everything you need is inside of you right now. If you’ll only open yourself up to receiving such wonderful affection for who you are. As you are right now. There is nothing you need to reject about yourself anymore. For the you that is you standing here, is the only you your love has always adored. Please trust in who you are. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are amazing. You may not believe it right now but in time that belief will grow ever more powerful until one day it just is.”
She looked at herself once more in the mirror through the eyes of her loving voice. She let all the hate and disgust melt away into nothingness.
She saw what has been there all along. A woman who is unique and beautiful and fucking amazing. A woman behind the body.
She felt the determination once again. She felt the fire burning in her belly. That fire ignited a long lost feeling as the flames carried that feeling into each and every cell of her being.
