What is blocking my love?

Back in January, I wrote a column called Love. A fucked up problem. (You can read it here if you haven’t already.)

In this column, I shared my disastrous love life. With myself and with others. I suck at love. Well, sucked, because I have opened myself up to love in all its wondrous forms.


If I don’t consciously work on it, I rebound into the disconnected and unemotional way of being. The place I know all too well. A place of familiarity and protection.

My emotions have never really served me well. They were scattered and erratic. Intense and overwhelming. But, now that I have let go of a lot of those unwanted feelings, there is this energy sitting in my belly that has enough power remaining to block these good feelings I work so hard to maintain.

So, what is blocking my love?

When I think about feeling love or gratitude or just a general feeling of goodness, I can feel this ball of energy strongly. The energy is not what it once was, it does prevent me from reaching and holding onto my feelings, though. Not all the time but enough to piss me off (smiley face). Then the thoughts rush forward to give me their unsolicited opinion as to why I don’t deserve love, I don’t know how to love, I’ll never love.

If I’m not careful I will spiral into the mess of my mind and end up falling back into my hole.

Thankfully, though, my eyes, my loving self and my heart are open wide enough for me to look into the mess and past the mess for a clearer and more accurate perspective.

Once again I must lovingly question what is going on inside of me so I can clear it up and clean it out.

Which is why I am asking the question: what is blocking my love?

It’s not just my love. It is the feeling of gratitude, the feeling of goodness, the feeling of joy, the feeling of fun. I’ve had them sporadically. I now deserve to have them full-time.

Logically, and even mentally, I can bring them forth. I am able to use the words in my mind and the words in my throat to express them verbally. I just can’t FEEL them most of the time.

A much earlier article I feel dead inside (you can read it here), articulates how I have felt for most of my life. Dead inside. I end the article by sharing how I listen to my feelings and dismiss them no more. This practice is truer today than it was a year ago when I wrote it.

I thought I would be further along by now and that my feelings would have changed permanently. Without absolute 100% commitment on a daily basis, it may take longer than expected. Life gets in the way if we let it. We fall back into the routine of our existence if we are not careful. This continues to happen to me. Why? Because it’s easier to be in that world than it is to be in the world of constant change. I don’t always have time to be aggressively mindful of what I am doing and how I am thinking and feeling. It does become overwhelming sometimes having to remove old ways and replace them with new ways.

The habits of self and the patterns we have created for ourselves become second nature. Whatever they may be. Its completely fucked up that the negative habits seem to be easier to inhabit than the ones that have us living life with ease. Maybe its just me? Maybe its not everyone? We are wired differently. The lives we live and all that enters them contribute to the ease or the effort.

Recently I listened to the numerology session recording from a year and a half ago. I wanted to refresh my mind as to what was revealed to me.

The numerologist knew not a thing about me. She knew my name and my birth date, and that was about it. As we were chatting before the session officially began I mentioned the unbearable and intense feeling of responsibility I have felt since I was a little girl. It has transmitted its presence any time I wanted to go of the rails a little bit, or decided to be haphazard with my life or just a little (only a little!) bit messy. It would last for a very short while and then I would have to rectify my irresponsibility. I couldn’t rest until I did.

Not another living soul has ever been informed of this feeing of mine. Maybe in a offhand kind of way but never to the excessive degree that I feel it.

The numerologist confirmed that my soul chose to be the responsible one in this lifetime. It wanted to be the stable one and the sensible one so it can take those lessons and use them to grow as a spiritual being.

She also talked about how I must do things the hard way. I have to do everything methodically and slow. Step-by-step. Gosh. Do I like to do things the hard way! The methodical way. Until I found this out, I would previously beat myself up for not being like everyone else and doing it the easy way. Why can’t I just do it like everyone else? I’d spend hours yelling at myself for being so stupid and hopeless. It is one of those things I must remind myself of whenever I find myself questioning what I am doing. And, its not in a nice way, if I’m not careful.

One other quirk of this human being that I am, is that I am not great at expressing my emotions. I hold them in and keep them there. That is me to a T.

A welcome discovery because I believed I was a cold hearted bitch. Unemotional. No care factor.

Not true.

Well, mostly.

That’s the foundation of my emotional dimension. The years I have lived on this earth have built a shoddy structure from which I live. My parents, my depression, my anxiety, my food addition, my hatred for myself, my negative perspective, and all of the other shit, reside within the beaten up and broken down walls of my metaphorical damaged and deteriorated housing.

Their negative energy remains. It lingers in this ball of energy blocking my love. Blocking all of those good feelings I am working hard to maintain. Once I unblock this residual energy, I will immediately reconnect with my love, my gratitude and the fullness of my heart.

As I sit here writing these words, I can feel exactly where it is. I know this ball of energy is preventing me from feeling all of that good stuff perpetually.

How do I get rid of it? How do I shrink it down to nothing and have it go poof into thin air, never to return?

I have to meet energy with energy.

My healing repertoire is full of techniques designed to clear unwanted energy. Not only that, they strengthen those energies within my body that are positively powered.

Our awareness has become interjected with knowledge about the energy in all that we are, all that we see and all that we don’t see. Connections are being made to the powerful energies flowing through each and every one of us and out into our immediate world.

We are believing in the power of intention and the of law of attraction. People are using these to get what they want.

Yes, I want more money, to be a successful writer, to travel more and to have a better wardrobe; but, ultimately what I most definitely want is to FEEL better. All the time. Not just some of the time and not just when I have to work really, really hard to make it happen.

I can’t recall if I have mentioned this techniques before (most likely) called The Body Code. It uses kinesiology and a whole bunch of questions to figure out what energetic flows need to be unblocked and released within the body. Our bodies are naturally capable of healing themselves in many different ways. Of course, we may need medical attention once in a while, or other professional help, which enhances the healing process when required. But, our energies hold onto our life experiences, every thought and feeling we have, our beliefs, our emotional and mental pain and everything else we go through in life. Especially, when we don’t give ourselves the love and time to process what we have been through.

My body is full of unexpressed emotions, unprocessed experiences that caused pain and trauma, and thoughts and feelings that have caused me to hate myself and believe I am unworthy of anything good in this world. All of that stuff continues to swirl around inside of our energies without us consciously knowing it is there until we begin to take a deeper look inside of ourselves and notice what is actually in there.

Energy medicine, in one form or another, has helped me to release my feelings of depression, decreased the physical symptoms of perimenopause, cleared out trapped emotions, healed different areas throughout my body, removed the flat feeling I was experiencing every day since removing a lot of old, trapped emotions, the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach and quite a few more.

The flat feeling and the heavy feeling were very different. The flat feeling didn’t allow for any kind of emotion except the angry one I only every allowed myself to feel. And, the heavy feeling flowed throughout my entire body, weighing me down physically and mentally. They are both now gone.

Healing is about removing one layer at a time. I have removed these layers, so I now notice this other ball of energy and was it is doing to me that I don’t like. Its been there a while and I have noticed it. It is the right time to remove it. Will there be more of the same underneath? Something else blocking my love? That I cannot say for certain. I can only deal with this particular energy and see what else there may be once it is removed. I do hope there is nothing else. I won’t be totally surprised, considering how I have felt about myself over the decades of my life, if there is. Those feelings have been front and centre for so long.

I’ve written a lot about various ways to feel better. All of them have worked in one way or another. They continue to work. Sometimes there is more that needs to be done to remove old ways of being. This is the way I choose. It is quick and easy and has a high success rate.

My mind loves to continue to read me the same boring story as each day passes into the next. My feelings determine whether I listen intently or I tell my mind to shut the fuck up. My feelings are the connection to all I have ever wanted. They help me to either hate my life or love my life. Their intensity can have me feeling appreciative for all that I have or have me begging for more because all I have is never enough.

This, hopefully, last bit of energy that needs to be cleared to unblock my love will have a wonderful rush of pure and undeniable feelings I have been desiring for so long.

Why haven’t I done this for myself yet? Instead of just talking about it here?

Good question.

Unfortunately, I can take my sweet ass time about things. They are in my head but I faff around with unimportant tasks because I am a little afraid perhaps of what may happen. There is also this left over behaviour of not doing what I need to do for myself to help me feel good. I have to be aware of this notion that I don’t deserve to feel good and the inaction on my behalf to keep preventing that from happening.

I commit to putting this into my schedule for tomorrow. I will report back the results.

For now, I will be guided to any and all manners of healing that will release all that does not serve me. I will listen to my loving voice. I will question all thoughts and feelings for their truth.

My fierce determination will drive me forward as it takes me toward all I deserve.

Along the way, whenever my pesky mind pipes up to remind me of my inabilities and uselessnesses, I will talk right over it and say SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Your exercise for this week is to question your own love. How much love do you feel for yourself? If its quite low, then how did it become so low? Do you believe you are worthy of increasing your feelings of love for yourself? Why, why not? Ask yourself all the questions you intuit yourself to ask. Write them down.

Your love is important. It is who you are underneath all of the made up bullshit about who you are led to believe you are.

Feel your way to your own healing. What can you do to unblock your own love?

P.S. I have now used The Body Code to release the blocks to my love.

Inside of us there are many energy pathways. You may know them as chakras and/or meridians. If these energy flows become blocked or filled with negative energy, then their flow weakens; leaving you to feel weak.

Over the last couple of years, I mentioned earlier on in the column, I have used various techniques that encourage our energies to become strong once again. Kinesiology, reiki, energy medicine, the emotion code, the body code, sound healing, as well as the power of my mind and the energy it releases out into my being and the world around me. There may also be some others that I cannot recall right now.

Some have worked and some haven’t. Some have worked only a little bit and some have worked tremendously. For me, the many energy medicine techniques and the emotion code and the body code have been very powerful in helping to release stuck negative energies.

Three or four years ago I began to notice my body was behaving differently in ways I had not experienced before. I was waking up drenched in sweat, I was feeling hot all the time, I experienced insomnia a few times a month where previously I never had trouble sleeping and I had put on quite a bit of weight.

A few months into these new bodily changes, I was subscribed to the Mindvalley platform. Mindvalley has numerous short courses to enhance a persons inner growth.

I noticed this one course called Energy Medicine, and while it sounded fascinating I favoured other courses over this one. Yet, something was pulling my attention back to this course run by Donna Eden and her husband David Feinstein. Eventually, I allowed myself to go through the course and after the first lesson I was hooked. This discovery led me down an exhilarating and compelling rabbit hole. I read her two books which led me to a routine for those experiencing menopause. And, even though I wasn’t in menopause yet, I decide to give it a go. After only a day or two my symptoms decreased significantly and a week or so later my symptoms were gone.

I did this continuously for about 5 or 6 months, 4 or 5 times a week. Then I got slack. I used the routine once or twice a week, then that whittled down to no times a week until a few months had passed and the symptoms slowly but surely resurfaced. Once I realised what was happening, I made the effort every other day to do the routine. I continue to do that to do this day knowing I cannot stop or the symptoms will return.

That is the power of working with our energies. When our energies are flowing freely and beautifully, then we, too, can flow freely and beautifully. And, depending on how badly you feel about yourself, this can take a lot of work to get all of the energies flowing freely without negative energy blocking them. Remember that it took years and decades of self abuse to block those energies so it can take a while to unblock them all.

As I write these words, I can tell the ball of energy in my tummy area is not there any longer. I feel better. I’m not bouncing off the walls with love as I maybe expected myself to be, but I think that is just not who I am. I am a quiet feeler of love. It is there in its enormous magnitude of subtlety.

It has been a few hours since I released the blockages from my meridians. I also needed to reconnect my spirit to my body so it was wholly and completely connected 100%, as well as do some repair work to my heart energy.

For now, I feel much better. Having that ball of energy blocking my love was enough to keep me tethered to all that I once was. Believing I was not allowed to be more than that. Logically I knew that was rubbish. I just wanted to FEEL that belief and feel my way back to, not only my love, but to every good feeling I denied myself in this life of mine.

Of course, I am scared and afraid that this won’t last. What if it doesn’t? Then what? I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it, but, hopefully, that bridge does not exist. I have other obstacles to overcome but this one is now behind me.

I will report my progress in the next column. With me luck!

I don't know how

a poem about not knowing how to be my true self (or so I thought)

column 2 coming soon

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