Who is Livvy, I may hear you ask. And, why would she be important to me? Important to all of us?
To explain who She is, was and always has been; we need to go back in time only a few years (She has actually been around for a very, VERY long time but I will begin her story when I discovered her presence).
It was a day like any other. A typical day in the life of me. Feeling shit. Hating myself. Trying to be better but not succeeding very well at it. I was going about my business doing whatever it was that I was doing and this voice came into my head and spoke to me.
You see, the person I was was not the person I longed to be. I knew there had to be more to me than the fat, angry, lonely, hateful, hurtful, self-loathing woman I had become. I was desperate to get rid of her. To eliminate her for good.
I tried and I tried and I fucking tried. To no avail. I failed time and time again. I kept returning to the angry, frustrated woman who could never quite let go of the feeling that she was unworthy of anything good in her life (even though the evidence was staring her right in the face that she was worthy of it all).
I was living a dreamer’s nightmare. Dreaming of the good stuff but believing I was in a nightmare. I was stuck. I couldn’t find my way out of the nightmare I had invented in my own mind.
Every day I begged to be released. To find my way through it and into the life I longed for. Day after day I took my search out into the world so I could find the exit door. For someone to open it for me, take my hand and lead the way.
When I met my husband I was sure he was my exit out of all the misery. Before that I believed each new job, each new person I met, and every place I went there it would be, flashing brightly, loudly pointing the way to my exit. Showing me the way to escape the nightmare I kept incessantly repeating in the depths of my mind as I slowly felt like I was going crazy.
There was a huge desire to break down. To fall to the floor and never get up. To allow myself to unhinge for just a bit so I could then release the pain.
Oh, how I wanted to release the pain. So much pain throbbing about my body. Not physical pain. Mental pain. Anguish. Emotional distress. Torment. All of it holding on so tightly to the nightmare. For this nightmare was all I knew. It was comfortable. It was what I went back to time and time again because it loved me. A fucked up kinda love but it was the only thing in my life that was there for me.
That’s what I believed anyway.
So, this day like any other is of insignificance except for this one all mighty powerful intervention. It lasted all of three seconds but it made the biggest impact I have ever known. Everything in my life had been leading up to that moment.
When my son was born sleeping it set in motion the catalyst for this to happen. It was subtle. I barely noticed the shift. Looking back I have a small knowing that something moved inside me. How could it not? I experienced one of the most emotionally painful times of my life not being able to bring our son home where he belonged.
Then, exactly twelve months to the day when we found out Harry has passed, we got the news that we were pregnant again. We were thrilled and scared all at the same time. Nine months later our daughter was born. She came into the world smiling and she has barely stopped smiling since.
The world within me shifted again the moment she was placed in my arms. I knew I could not carry on any longer as the woman I had become. The anger had to go. The hatred had to go. The self-loathing had to disappear once and for all. Being a mother to my daughter was more important than all of that bullshit.
Unfortunately, it didn’t happen overnight. I had a lot of work to do but the desire was stronger than my old emotions. It was time to replace them with kinder, more loving feelings. I had to dig them up from somewhere because I had buried them so deep within me that I struggled to reach them when I needed them.
Now, I needed them more than ever if I was going to be the mum my daughter deserved. I didn’t get the mother I deserved. Or the father I needed. They were not there for me emotionally. Thankfully, they taught me one very important thing. How NOT to be a parent.
So, over the years as my daughter grew, so did I. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
It was a tough road but that road took me to the point in time where it all came to its natural crescendo. Where I heard Livvy for the first time clearly. Where she spoke to me with such love that I couldn’t ignore her any longer.
She whispered the most important words I will ever hear in my entire life here on earth. She lovingly let me know that I have the power inside of me to change anything I don’t like about myself.
For years, as I held onto all of those fucked up feelings about myself, I truly believed they were mine forever. That I could never get rid of them. I was to be that way until I died. I had no choice in the matter. I had been dealt a shitty hand and I was to just suffer through it in silence.
Thoughts of being bad in another lifetime filled my head. I declared to myself that I was being punished for being such a horrible person so I continued to punish myself in this lifetime. With food. With hatred. With anger. With a loveless body and mind. Even when I has so much goodness around me I was blinded by this need to punish the horrible woman I was. I couldn’t see how much life was right in front of me.
So, when I heard these powerful words a knowing awoke within me. I denied it of course. I refused to believe those words because how could they apply to the disgusting woman staring back at me in the mirror? She didn’t deserve to change. She didn’t deserve goodness or love. She has gone through her whole life without it. Why bother with it now?
Yet, something kept me going. Something kept me pushing through all the bullshit. Something was holding my hand and telling me all is ok. That ‘something’ is Livvy. She was with me every step of the way. She stays with me always. She was always there I just couldn’t hear her through the noise of my nightmares. I wasn’t able to listen to her sweet, loving voice because it was too loud inside my mind.
There was too much yelling, telling me I was fat, horrible, angry, unlovable, unworthy. On repeat. The same fucked up messages I received every morning when I woke up. And I believed them.
I don’t believe them anymore. I have Livvy to thank for that.
So, who is She?
She is me. She is you. She is inside each and every one of us. She is your guide. Your support. Your love.
Others call her your soul (as She is). Others call her your inner being. Or your inner guidance. There are many names for her. And She is not always a She. I have given her that identity because it feels right for me.
When I began to listen to her there was no name. Eventually, I began calling her my loving voice. Then I wanted to give her more of an identity. To name her. I have a name so I wanted her to have one too. She is a part of me. I am a part of her. We are one. That’s when Livvy was officially named.
In those moments when we are speaking with one another, it feels good to call her by this name. She is my friend. My ally. My confidant. I trust in who she is and her purpose for residing within this particular body.
It may seem a little (or a lot!) out there for some of you reading this but just have a think about what goes on inside you. Can you remember a time when a voice came out of nowhere and told you something? You may have been looking for an answer and it suddenly (though not really. It is never sudden) came to you. And, the voice was so much more loving than the other voice in your head? It came with a knowing that felt calm and peaceful.
That is your Livvy.
And, why is She so important to all of us?
Because this voice will never steer you wrong. And by that, I don’t mean you will always get everything “right”. Sometimes the “wrong” is actually meant for you. She knows this. She knows everything about you. She knows what you love, what you want and don’t want, what your desires are, who you want to become, and what you want to move away from and closer to. She is aware of every thought and every feeling. She knows what will bring all your wishes into reality. If only you will allow it.
If only you will listen to her more closely than the other voice in your head. You know the one. The one that tells you no. That tells you you can’t, you shouldn’t, you mustn’t. That gives you a gazillion reasons why not whilst Livvy is also there giving you the one reason why you should.
This other voice is your ego. I have also given my ego a name. Saskia. This name came to be from a book I read called The Hypnotists Love Story by Liane Moriarty. One of the main characters in this story was called Saskia. She was a stalker. She was misunderstood. She was stalking out of a fucked up sense of love for this person. She wasn’t a bad person. She was just making very bad choices for herself out of love. This felt like my ego.
My ego wants to protect me (as does yours). It wants to show me it loves me by keeping me safe, keeping me wrapped up nice and snug in my comfort zone. Not letting me go out into the big, bad world to explore and experience all of the new and exciting things I can see for myself.
Livvy is the balance to Saskia. I am the one in between reconciling the love we have for each other.
It is Livvy who needs to lead the way. It is Livvy who knows how to be in this world without fear and judgment. She is the strength I desire for myself. She is my strength when I kindly let Saskia know that everything is ok. I am safe. I am (we are) ok to be more than we are right now.
Again, this may all seem a bit out there. You may begin to think of me as someone with a personality disorder. I was that but not anymore. My personality was all over the place. It was completely fucked up. And, now that I am able to recognise and love all parts of myself my personality has never felt more complete.
There are still days when Saskia runs amok and she turns on my internal television to show me the repeats of my nightmare. To remind me of what used to be, what used to be comfortable and familiar. That all these new and loving feelings I am feeling are not for me. They are icky and unpleasant. They are intolerable and awkward. That I must get rid of them because she likes to be in control.
She does not like the fact that I don’t need her anymore. That I don’t listen to her as much. I simply tell her I love her and that we are just fine. We are doing great and this amazing life we are living is one to embrace. It is there to be lived with the fullness of our love and the vastness of our joy.
I will no longer allow anyone or anything to hold me back from continuing this evolution of love. Livvy is right there beside me speaking nothing but love to me. She is the one taking my hand and leading me through the exit door. She is leading the way.
I would not be here at this exact moment writing these words, feeling such wonderful appreciation for all I am here to express without her loving guidance. Without her loving voice.
She is love.
She is my love.
Until next week continue to Listen, Learn and Love.
P.S. Share yourself with us and leave a comment below. Anything you want. No judgement here, right beautiful ladies!
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